I'm finally back

I know I know. My last post was in June and it said that a new site was coming. My apologies. I had other worries. I worked a lot, limiting my free time. On top of that, I've experienced a very frustrating and depressing period. I wasn't complaining or anything but I simply shut out. When I wasn't drunk and playing bass I was sleeping. I don't think I need to explain myself more than that but I'll add a little something.

I went through many strong emotions and you may know, if you read my blog that I often associate humans with animals. In order to survive, many animals rely on violence. Over the past few months I had many violent fantasies. Don't get me wrong I didn't fell for them. I'm civilized. I know I can't use violence to take care of my problems. You can't simply punch someone in the face, even if he deserved it but you can feel the need to be violent. To act like an animal. To let your frustrations out. 

Humans are violent in many ways other than the physical way. One of them is psychological. If you can get in trouble for using physical violence, you won't get much, in the sense of the law, about the psychological. You can fight back but for many reasons, if your attacks don't hit the target then you still feel unavenged. Why is it important? I don't know. If someone comes to me and punch me. I may not counter and call the police instead. That's still using something violent in response. Call it civilized or smart in a way to solve the issue, for me it's still retaliation. You put the other in trouble by calling the police. Look at the big and the small history and you'll notice the same pattern : someone get offended and he retaliates. That's how it goes.

So when you can't find anything within what's socially accepted to retaliate against someone who hurt you what do you do? You get over it. Well for me, it was to work long hours, drink a lot and rock by bass. 

Now I'm back and I'll have a lot more to say as this shitty phase turns out to be an inspiration. 

Burried frustrations of a sociopath looser

Lately, I've been feeling a bit distant from the melee. Any time I was with friends I wished I was somewhere else reading, thinking, being alone. It's been over a month now that I act like a unsocial savage hermit. A few friends expressed their frustrations about my recent behavior and quite frankly it felt like it justified my isolation buzz.

It made me think about what others acts like you owe them your presence like friendship is meant to be consumed before it burns like it's a cigarette. If you don't breathe smoke once in a while your wasting it. For the heavy smoker type I understand. But I'm not as addicted to cigarette as most people are. The very truth about this, about people having expectations about what you should do, when you should want to see them and do activities, is that I loathe the feeling it gives me. I might have been that guy at some point in my life but I remember having fights with friends about this kind of situations since a long time. What I don't get is this expectation thing. Like doing what they want is more important than doing what I want only because most people are "smokers" and it is supposed to be normal. I've been arguing with a lot of people over the last 5 or 6 years whenever I felt like doing things on my own for a while and no one had better then "we're friend I want to see you" kind of arguments. For me, it's more like using emotions to get want they want. Quite frankly I never understood this. If they were my friends, why they couldn't respected what I wanted instead of insisting to get what they wanted. 

Recently, there is one friend I keep in touch almost daily. I've been doing things with her that satisfy my social needs for the moment. I don't feel like seeing the others and that's not because they mean nothing to me. They mean something, only for now, I'm having this reading frenzy. It's taking the rest of my free time and I honestly prefer reading than seeing them. I see you coming a mile away with your balance speech. Hey I got this served a million time and I just don't buy it. I do want I want, others do what they want. When what I want is what others want then let's do it. When it don't, why do people keep on trying to convince me using questionnable manipulation techniques. 

I think that's some sort of competition to find out who the leader is. If I make you do things I want to do more often then I'm the leader. I don't think people do that conciously. I think it's an animal behavior that people can't really control ... if they haven't thought of it. If I can tell you a little about myself. At a younger age, I was a competitive, stupid asshole. As I grew up, I went from being most of the time the leader to become a forced follower. It gave me many many frustrations and that explain why I loathe this kind of competition now that I'm no longer competitive. If you're wondering, I'm still an asshole by the way. 

So I can't tell I'm better, or I understood something people don't get so I'm clever. I'm not. I'm just a frustrated looser that sometimes wants to be on his own. Man I love books ... more than real people sometimes.     

You’re good. Get better. Stop asking for things.

On Monday, I wanted to write a post about how my weekend went and how miserably I failed to get this wished idea to get a new spark into my kind of boring life. Halfway into explaining why I didn't reach my goal I stopped to wonder a few minutes about what I was about to do and I deleted what I wrote. For those who knows me, and how I use my wisdom to disarm many "explosive" situations, you'll probably find this funny.

When I left the office on Friday morning. I didn't notice what kind of pressure I put myself on. I thought I needed a new start. Which is still true by the way. And I built theses unecessary walls around it. It had to happen during this weekend. Not on Monday, not on Tuesday. I gave myself Saturday and Sunday to achieve that. That's completly absurd. Why on earth would I believed I needed this goal, to find a new beginning, done in two days?

Well, I didn't really need it. I wanted it though. And that's two completly different things. Normally, I'm quite able to discern what I want from what I need but this time I didn't and that's exactly why I failed to reach the goal I set for myself.

Quite frankly, I didn't realized it until this very morning. When I was writting that post about my failure on Monday. I knew I was wrong writting it. That's why I stopped and never published it. Today, I had my answer. I woke up early. 3h30 AM. With the intention of going to work before everyone else. ( I often do that, I love when the office is cold, empty and noiseless. I usually have a cup of tea and slowly start working. I'm very productive early in the morning ) But this morning, I didn't went to work right after taking a shower. I decided to entertain myself a little before going. 

So I watched an episode of Mad Men. I love this show but I don't really want to discuss about it on my blog. I just want to share with you a sentence Don Draper said to Peggy Olsen : "You’re good. Get better. Stop asking for things." 

I'm taking voluntarily it out of context because theses words. In the show, they are very direct, precise. They mean what they mean word for word. But these resonated into my head like Don was actually talking to me in my own context. 

When we think about it. It's in complete contradiction with what I usually praise. I'm always talking about taking action. About identifying opportunities to take it, in many things we see as negative, bad. Yet, I find it very clever to "stop asking for things". 

Let me explain, I feel I went into this weekend like I was asking to "life" to give me something, an idea for a new beginning. Like "life" owed it me. Like I diserved it. I was so wrong.

I'm good, I'll get better, I'll stop asking for things and it will happen. I'll have all the beginnings I want and need.

I can't help myself for feeling dumb to went through this whole process to end up with something so simple and basic that anyone can brag that's what they always do.

Thanks Don. 

 

Personal thoughts to think over the weekend.

This weekend. I'm calling it off. I mean, no computer, no socialization of any kind, or the least possible. It'll be me alone with me. I'll be reading, thinking, walking, running. I'm experiencing strange feelings lately. I feel that void inside that need to be fill. I remember something I use to talk about with an old friend of mine. It was about beginnings and endings. 

I don't remember if I blogged about this already but it goes like this. Our lives are a subsequence of overlapping beginnings and endings. In between is the boring part. You are usually more thrilled with Beginnings. Endings are either a relief or a loss but they always make room for new beginnings. So the less time you spent in between the more fun, valuable, meaningful your life may be. 

That's why events like having kids, buying an house, vacations, or whatever is a new beginning, is like a boost for your life, or your couple according to theses examples. If you get stuck too much in between, then you'll get bored. And when you get bored you tend to feel different about the same things that were thrilling when they were "beginnings". 

I think that defines the void I'm feeling right now. I'm stuck in between. The problem is, I'm not quite sure of what I want as a new beginning. Well that's not true. It would be more acurate to say there's nothing at reach that comes into my mind that I would like to start. I also haven't realized yet if I need to end something to make room for a new thing in my life. 

These are the questions I hope my weekend will help me elude. It's an interresting exercice to do. I did it a few times in the last couple of years and it was always a rewardful experience. I know most people don't feel the need to do this because they feel, most time, overwhelmed with their occupations. Like it's full, no room for anything. I'm not judging. It's fine if they feel happy about it. 

But as I rejected the contemporary way of living ( and ironically working in a very contemporary field of expertise ). It became a very important issue to me to find meaningful things to do with my life. I'm no more ( or less ) interrested in accumulating belongings, spending hours on irreleavant entertainment or anything that don't enhance myself on some level. I find it challenging but I'm still asking myself what's the big picture of doing all this. 

Anyhow, that's what I found to be the best way to change into someone who's looking to elevate his mind and having more respect in his body ( than I had before ).

Self-Improvement ( was about weaknesses at first but ... )

I must admit it. Lately I've been weak. It's not something I'm ashamed of. Believe me. I'm not going to give you the men should not show weaknesses. I prefer to think weaknesses are useful. You can take the best of out them if you don't fall into showing weakness to lure someone into compassionate involvment to strengthen them or if you fall into despair and complaint. 

My point is, every men have to right to be weak once in a while. It's not really important to show or hide them to others. However, it's part of the truth you owe to yourself. When you feel vulnerable and you're weak. You got to be honest with yourself and to not be ashamed to feel this way. That's not a threat to your manhood. The threat is how you react to weaknesses. To man up doesn't mean to hide them. It's to find a way to turn weaknesses into strenghts. And by that, I mean without having someone else taking care of the problem. You need to feel that you are the solution to you. It doesn't mean to never ask for help or never accept help. It means you must be part of the action. For instance. If you lack confidence in bed. You can't rely only on your partner to tell you how "great" you are or to fake your so-called greatness. What if your partner stops making this? What if you change your sex partner? 

You see what I'm telling you ? If the solution comes from others, then it's a contextual solution. It's not solving your weakness. So I was saying that I was weak. For a few days, I must admit I was drifting away with fatalist ideas. And that is exactly why I'm writting this. I realized that weaknesses, like many other things I pointed to you in previous blog entries, are calls to step up, to man up, to change into a better version of yourself. 

I'm really into this self-improvement thing. It's the fuel I use to find a meaning out of the things I do. And I also think it's where the philosophical part of all my posts on self improvement is. It's about living a meaningful life. I know most of the people I know don't always need to know exactly why they do what they do. They go with the flow of their lives and wish it will lead them to some place, somewhere, where, you know, there's happiness. What they don't realize is happiness is like flowers along the road of your life. You'll eventually find many as you live your life, but as you advance on that road, it won't necessary means there will be more flowers the further you go. That's why the meaning of it is so important. The meaning in this image helps you apreciate the flowers without always wishing to see more later. 

I told you on a previous blog entries that we see the goals we set for ourselves as destinations. We tend to believe that after you achieved these you'll be more happy (  I'm referring to the wish for more flowers  further on the road). I said it was some kind of illusion. Because you miss the point. The point is to know exactly why you want that destination reached. For instance. I went to school to get a job, to earn a living, to earn money. I got it, admirably I must add. 

Am I really more happy then I was while I was studying? No I'm not. I can't tell you the difference. Because I thought it was what was normal to do. Of course I'm not suggesting I should quit my job because I didn't understood the meaning of all this while I was doing it. But this particular mistake is the reason why I don't feel much better now that my career is right on track where I pictured it would. 

And that's really the point about self improvement. All the perks you get out of the things you do don't have a true meaning if it's not improving yourself and if you don't understand how it does then that's not as rewarding as it should. It will feel like buying a giant TV screen. Fun at first, and void after a while.     

Sufferings

I think I need to precise à point about sufferings. I'm not the bouddhist type of man who thinks suffering comes from desires. Well it's very true. I do think that. But the bouddhist solution, to not desire anything, is somehow a nonsense to apply in our lives. I mean, unless you've got a strong willpower and become a monk or an hermite. It's an ideal that is quite impossible to achieve and it becomes absurd to chase it. 

So we're doomed to manage our sufferings. Again, I'm not a fan of letting things go and wait for getting better when I'm down or to wait and live with it long enough to be used to it so it becomes less harmful. These methods, often used by many, are for those who complaint about their bad luck or their fate. Let me use myself as an example. I'm not the type of man who pleases women. I used to suffer from it and to apply theses methods and quite frankly. They work, until next time you suffer. Because they don't force you to change. 

My point is, sufferings are to be embraced and praised. It's your feelings talking to your inner "you". It means you're not who you want to be. For the record, I don't think there's an end of this. You should never be complaisant with yourself. If you are, then you're missing something. Anything that can trigger improvement of self should be taken seriously. It should never be something you let go. It's an opportunity and it's valuable. It turns to suffer into something good instead of something bad if you get to understand and find a meaning out of it. 

The choice between truth and lies

In my previous blog entries, I talked a lot about lies. The ones you tell to others and the ones you tell to yourself. The first is a tool, the second, a treat. I realized that I never talked much about truth and the choice. Again, I think there's two kind of truth. One for others, one for yourself. The last kind of truth mentionned is on the opposite of lies : rewardful. 

Between truths and lies there's always a three-way choice. Either you choose the lie, truth or nothing at all, which means ignoring the choice. Whatever you choose. Most of the time, it'll be in your own interest. Or so you think it will. Consciously or not. There's always a motive for all of our choices. So basically, I'm not making any extraordinary discovery here. I'm only telling you that sometimes our choices are good and sometimes they're not. Therefore, you might think it's no use to talk about it. Just let go and see where its leading you to. I think otherwise. 

First and foremost. Let's clarify something. Nobody's always telling the truth. If they say they are. They are either lying to you or to themselves or maybe both. Even if it would be possible. It'd be extremly stupid to think your interest always comes with the same answer, the same choice. 

Second, it's a battle, a struggle, a fight. Sometimes, in order to land a punch you have to take one yourself. That means that your interest is never always to duck situations with your choices. Your interest might be to tell a truth or a lie or nothing that gives you a disadvantage now, but will be an advantage later. Think of coming clean when you did something awful to gain back someone's confidence instead of going further down in the moving sands of lies. 

Third, mix it up. I said it's like fighting. If you always throw uppercuts. You'll never / rarely land them. You'll be ineffective. You need to keep people offbalance. Why ? Well let's be honest with ourselves and leave the magical world of fearies and wand of wonders for a second. You own a choice and if someone's got you figured it out, it takes it away. You become vulnerable to this person in a bad way regarding your interest and it will place you in situations where you might not want to. Ohh I see you coming by a mile, lovers, you don't agree because that's what your looking for in your relationship. You want the other to know you so well he'll see right through you. Well, Hello dear fearie, here's a wand of wonder. I'm not a fan of letting others in control of my life. The least pull they have. The better. And there's a reason why. What I want is my path to happiness and I will get what I want only by being my own and only master. And no, lovers, it doesn't mean to stay single. It means to always have that choice to tell the truth, lo lie or to ignore. Because what I want is the motive, the interest I'm talking about. 

So I guess, the lesson I taught myself, over the years, was to know exactly why I'm making my choices between truths, lies and nothing. It must always serve a greater purpose of my engineered life. It must have a meaning.

Feeling unworthy

For many, feeling or being unworthy is bad, negative, something it's best to not feel. I disagree. Let me explain why. Lately, in my personal life, many events occurred that made me feel unworthy of many things. I'm not here to discuss about these things. It's irreleaveant to make the point I'm trying to expose here. 

There's a strange feeling that comes with feeling unworthy and it's feeling like your a fraud of some kind. That you might be the only one seeing a truth and whatever benefits you've been given is not earned or would not exists if others knew the truth. What's strange about it is that the benefits are usually strong enough to overcome the bad sides of feeling unworthy. So for a second, you feel ashamed to ignore that you're unworthy and you start abusing of the situation by ignoring it. I think it's more frequent than it looks for most of us. Because it becomes an automatism to ignore it. 

For the record, its opposite, feeling that you don't get what you deserve, is a much more evident feeling. Let's use an image. Imagine yourself as a glass of water, normally half full, when unworthy, the glass is closer to be full and when you don't get what you deserve, the glass is closer to be empty. Which glass you're more subjected to complain about? The one that is closer to be empty right?. But that doesn't mean that the glass closer to be full is better. It simply means it ain't right. And feeling unworthy is as not right as feeling that you don't get what you deserve. 

What do psycho pop tells us about what to do when you feel you don't get what you deserve? To take the necessary means to get what you think you deserve. To not sit there waiting for it. To take it. Well, if you're following where I'm going. I think that feeling unworthy is exactly the same, except it's harder to take action. 

Feeling unworthy, should be a powerful tool for anyone. Instead of ignoring it to get rid of the feeling, I suggest to identify it and use it to improve yourself. If you can control the level of water in your own glass, then you'll less of a fraud, more authentic, more you, a better you. 

So how can you use it? Well first and foremost, to see the truth. To not lie to yourself. When you feel unworthy, it's like your subconscious is talking to you. So like feeling that you don't get what you deserve, you have to take action. You have to level yourself to be worthy of what benefits you already have. I know it's hard. I think it's a state of mind very few can achieve. It's being aware and in control of yourself. To not be lazy about it. 

If you've followed my glass of water analogy you probably understand that I was not talking about removing water out of it when it's closer to be full. That I was suggesting to grow the glass bigger so the water level gets to be half full again. That's why feeling unworthy isn't a bad thing. It's a great thing. It's a call to grow and if you listen to it and you take action. You'll grow.

I'm too sexy

Dear readers,

I'd like to show you a "not so stupid" stupid thing I did. I went to this karaoke bar I usually go to hang out with some friends. I never sang. That was until last week-end. Listen to the video. It's a good laugh as I probably was the least sexy man in the place. You can hear people cheering for the big man and not for the performance. It's pretty cool. I wasn't taking myself seriously.

Don't worry I'm not showing this to you only for the fun of it. I intend to explain how I felt before and after. If you remember a previous post called "Fears" ( if you don't I invite you to read it ), you probably figure where I'm going with this post.

Before 

I was playing pool with a friend and I was playing bad. I mean, we played like 6-7 games and I lost them all without being close to win one. For the record, my friend wasn't playing like he was a world champion. I was simply disgusted with the way I played. 

After being humiliated at the pool table I wanted to do something completely unexpected. I went to give to the DJ a piece of paper on which I wrote my name and the song : I'm too sexy. After all, my humiliation wasn't that bad. Let's get it worst I thought. As the waiting for my turn got longer and longer I began to feel nervous, anxious, even impatient. I'd say it's pretty normal to feel like that. 

But I took a moment and I stopped to ask myself why I'm feeling this way. So I started to ask myself questions. What are the consequences? What worst can happen? What do I fear? Every answer I came up with can be found on this blog. It was absurd to apprehend the moment I'd be in front of a crown making goofy moves. There was no consequences to justify feeling nervous about it. So it made me more calm and more focused on what I was about to do. I think the result speaks for itself.

After

Right after, I felt a rush of ...  a rush of ... I can't find words to describe it. It was something. People having fun, laughing, shaking my hand in admiration for the balls it took me to amuse the crowd at the expense of my dignity. At this exact moment I knew I was right about most fears being absurds. That I wasn't all talks no walks. I was proud of myself.

Later on, we returned to the pool table. This time, I wasn't the bad player I was early on. I was awesome. I played like I never did before. I was like a world champion. I won 5 in a row in a decisive manner.  It's all about how I felt.

Conclusion

I think this experience is some kind of a rebirth. I can use it to face every situation where fears are absurds to become more fearless and I hope it gives my blog credibility.

About changing

In many post you can find on this blog, one of the redundant secondary subjects is about changing. I know it could be easy to talk about evolution but I still prefer to use the word "change". In other posts I pointed things that might trigger changes. But it's not really how it came to me. Changes came from situations I analysed. 

Normally with this blog, I'm exposing the problems and I'm talking about the solutions I came up with. But you need to understand that theses thoughts are complex. Probably more than it looks like because I'm not good enough to communicate all the things I thought of during the process. But that's not really the point. The point is : change must come from a situation you analysed yourself. Not a single thing I'm saying in this blog can be read and taken as it is. To the very best, I hope it'll open you eyes on something you never thought of before. 

Change is inevitable. You'll do it throughout your life. Over the years, I found out that to be complaisant , obliging with yourself is to knowingly accept to change according to others around you. It might be good enough for many persons, but I don't find it as optimized and rewarding as changing according to yourself. Also, I surprisingly noticed that I'm influencing much more my entourage then they influence me. I came up thinking it's better this way as I'm feeling I'm more in control of my own life. 

Here's what I do. When It's time to go to bed, I take the time to think about my day. About my behaviors. I'm trying as much as I can to be cold and distant with myself. Like I'm talking to a second me. To become an observant. It often reveals things I need to change. Let's make an easy example. I was talking with a friend and about a particular topic and I gave him an answer that was more like I'm finding a motive, whatever it is, then telling to myself what is the real motive. That's what I call lying to myself. 

For the record, we don't do this on purpose. We just do it while things happen. Because events go too fast for us to think and act at the same time. Too often, you say the first thing that make sense but it's rarely the truth. It's like correcting your mistakes after writing a text. Seeing and telling yourself the truth about why you do what you do is the first step you need to take to be the engineer behind what you want to be over what you might become if you let others do this for you. 

In this case, like anything, it needs repetition to get better, you'll find more situations when you lied to yourself and you'll make the adjustments until you completely change on something you wanted to change. 

To talk a little bit about myself. It might looks like I'm an expert but I'm not. There's still a lot of things I want and need to change and probably more things I don't know yet. But for now, I can tell you this. I'm getting that feeling, like I'm working to unleash the real me and it feels really good. I can't imagine where it will lead me but I know it's for the best. I'm living it.         

Toxic friends

Today I'm having a little thought about friends of the past. The title says "toxic" because that's what they were to me back then. But now I'm over it. And they probably are too so I won't bother you with any stories about them. 

To think of them made me think about the whole process I've been through to notice it was no more good for me to be their friend. It didn't came clear waking up in the morning on a given day. It was more of a long road without exits and without gas stations. As far as you go further on it, you're not quite sure where it leads. The only clues you get is that it's getting worst. There's more bumps, more holes in it. You slow down a little and you continue driving on it, remembering how smooth it was a few hundred kilometers back and wishing the road to get better. 

Until, you realize that is a dead end. Oh you probably never saw the sign and you probably won't see it without going further many hundred kilometers. But the truth is, you feel it's a dead end and you feel it's ruining your car. There's a problem though. It's dark and cold outside. Also, you're not quite sure what's lurking in the dark. So you might be tempted to stay in the car and continue to drive, wishing you got it all wrong and the car won't break. But it will only delay the inevitable. You'll need to get out of the car, and find your own way home. You'll need to face the darkness, the cold and maybe some monsters you were protected from while in the car. 

So that's why I say they were toxic. Because whatever my decision was, staying in the car or to face the darkness alone, the immediate consequences were not fun at all. But to respect myself, I needed to get out of the car. 

Because the morning you wake up feeling proud of yourself, you are over it. It won't necessary means you've defeated all the monsters and you're out of the dark. It would simply means there's no hard feelings anymore. Because that's what it's all about. To make the next step in your life. Things change and sometimes you need to understand that friends can become toxic to you. It's not because they're bad persons. But because you don't get along with them anymore. 

In the heat of the fights, just before getting out the car, you argue about things that don't really matter. No one is right nor wrong. It's just not a good fit anymore. We used to see each others around Christmas and  the new year holidays and I'm pretty sure they'll talk about how crazy they think I am for getting out of the car. Quite frankly if they do, I don't really care. Because they're not toxic anymore to me. They're part of a past "me", that can't fit with my present "me". 

So my advice is, if you find yourself on that bumpy dead-end road. Don't be too afraid of the dark. Get all the courage you have and get out of the car. Someday, you might wake up like me, and see under the decorated tree, the best gift you could ever imagine to give to yourself for Christmas.

Looking beyond words vs fear

Normally, I respect a protocol when it comes to write something. I try to verify in some ways, nothing scientific, if what I think makes sense. In order to do that, most often I try to create a situation with people around me without them knowing what I'm really doing. But tonight, I won't respect the protocol. I'll reuse something I already thought of and revamp it with a thing that just happened to me. 

Looking beyond words is something I like to say I've mastered in the last couple of years. I start with the assumption that everyone's lying once in a while. I'm not talking about big lies, but the small ones. The mild and soft ones. The kind of lies that is used to hide something or to manage someone else feeling. 

How do I do that ? Sometimes I'm looking for the choices of words, for the sentence's suggestive sense. Or often from the story told versus what the body is telling. Tonight I made an interesting discovery. I noticed fear is a strong clue about others real thougths. I think in particular situation, by asking the question, what does the person in front me could be afraid of, the answer might be relevant information about the motives of a lie and it might lead you to spot it. 

Let me clarify something before adding anything else. Spoting lies is not meant to put you in situation of confrontation. You should not try to expose others. Its only purpose is to give you information about how to make your next move. How to adapt your behaviors. 

So back to spotting lies. If you've read one of my previous blog entry in which I talked about the level of truth. You understand that the lies exist because we can't always handle the truth. I think it needs a little adjustment. Absolute truth is fearsome. It can turn our whole world upside down. It can create a billion situations in which you're vulnerable. Lying shields you. It protects you and protects others from bad situations. 

That's why fear is a strong tell about spotting lies, about going beyond words. Like I said, I'm writing this in the heat of the moment. I spotted a soft lie, from someone close to me. It indicated me that my behavior is a little off track. That I'm pushing too hard. Good or bad, I'll use this information to be less of a threat to this person's fear so this very person won't need to lie again about this particular event. 

I might write again about this after I verify more deeply the relation between fear and lies. Also, If you want me to explain more in details my techniques to spot lies, leave a comment.

My animal rank

My apologies, I've not written for a while, almost a month since the last post. But there's a good reason to it. I've socially experienced something new. Something to write about. Lately, I've been spending time with this incredible female specimen, in a friendly context. 

Well friendly that's bold to say so. It is by design, by some engineered animal construction. We're simply not of the same animal rank. Or should I say, my rank, in the animal kingdom ladder is way too far from hers. It means we're friend not because I don't feel sexual pulsions about her, but because I don't believe I belong to her rank. So I block these pulsions for the only matter that it 's quite obvious, for a girl of her stature, that she can't feel the same about me. 

I'm not talking about romance, nor love. I'm talking about basic animal instinct. About the forces that drive us into sexual intercourse and unconsciously to the only purpose of our existence : reproduction. So what does this rank I talked about stands for? I think it's the attractive power someone radiates, inviting others to feel sexual pulsions. 

The girl I talked about sure does radiates a lot. Not only because I felt pulsions, but because I noticed a lot of man gravitating around her feeling the same. Actually, I don't think I saw one man around her not feeling it except her father. Even if they're engaged they do feel it. And let me be clear. It's not only a matter of beauty. Yes she's cute, but not outstanding. There's a lot of more beautiful women I know that don't rank as high as her. Let's just say it this way, beauty is more of the potential. It defines the range you stand on the ladder, but not the actual position. The position is more about the whole thing. About the attractive power I told you about.

I think one mistake many do when it comes to chasing for a partner is to create unrealistic expectations. And that might be because you don't know your own rank. I think you have to evaluate your level of confidence. If you're in a situation where your confidence feels low, you might be playing above your head. And because it is low, your chances of success are lower. Think of it this way. If you're playing in your rank, then you'll be more confident. I know what you're thinking. One person might feel less confident for many reasons, not only because he's in a situation where he tries to catch up with someone higher on the ladder. You're right. I told you about the range, or potential of where you stand. It means your rank moves up and down depending on your mood. On a good day, you might be able to charm someone else that feels less attractive. But you'll not be able to satisfy that someone on long term as you'll also have bad days. 

What I'm telling you is a sucessful couple is two person whose ranks range more often the same. Unfortunatly, if you've noticed, there's something tricky. I told you that our only real goal is reproduction. So during your life, you'll have to face situations where what you want, the people you're attracted to, are not of the same rank as you are. There's also the reality that during your life, the range will move up and down. And if you're  in a relationship, these range movements might not be synchronized. So it's important to know your rank so you won't place yourself in tough situation. Not to mention your decisions will be better for yourself.

Victimization

This is a very delicate subject to me. The main reason why is about how my mother is. She's in the eye of an hurricane named Victim.

Victimization is, to me, the worst thing to do ever. The way people, like my mother, refuse to see their problems as their own responsibility, pretending to be victims of others so we should feel pity for them even if you know there are solutions available. It disgust me at the uttermost level possible. Let me explain why.

First of all, you're never a victim. You choose to be one. Alright, I'll admit it, if you're 10-12 years old and some bastard takes your anal virginity in a shed with Justin Bieber posters on the wall. You're a victim. No one should be forced to look at Justin Bieber while being raped in the ass. Let alone the jokes, there are very bad situations people can't help, they are rightfully victims. Besides these, you're not a victim, you're choosing excuses to be pitiful.

By acting this way, not only you're not helping yourself, you might became a pain in the ass for others and I've yet to mention if they get tired and figured out the victim's game you're playing, they won't accept to be victims of your exaggerated victimization. Funny thing, it leads the "victim" to think he's more of a victim. Ugly.

Second, and it's the absurd part, you are, in some way, really a victim. Not of others or situations you blame your problems for, but of yourself. Victimization is a pattern and a destructive one. It's the reflex to always think the only way to solve them is for other peoples to see and feel your pain so they'll change their ways to stop or prevent you from being hurt. It's being coward, to lack courage to tell yourself the truth and making the needed changes to really solve them by yourself.

For example, a wife is blaming her husband for not taking care of her enough. She thinks the only way to solve the problem is for him to change his ways instead of thinking why, he might not be more tempted to spend time with her. Maybe she's not telling him the right way or maybe she's not making an effort to be interested about what he do, so he'll be more influenced to do the same. Another way to see it is if she's not happy, because she thinks her sadness is bound to her husband not taking care of her, then why not to look for happiness elsewhere. That doesn't mean she needs to leave him. It may be something like spending more time with friends, or starting a new hobby. What I'm trying to say is the real problem is the way she handles the situation. If she were dealing with it without leaving the only solution to her husband to change, then she would make the needed changes more easily and with more efficiency.

If you can't help yourself at least a little, don't expect others will do all the sacrifices for you. It won't happen.

For the record, my mom made my sister's a crying scene because she was complaining she knows nothing about my life. Which is not 100% true nor absolutely false. She knows a lot, but not anything. Who expect to know every aspect of his almost 30 years old son's life? All of this started when she saw a picture of me on Facebook with a girl she didn't knew. I know you may think I'm complaining and in some way I'm acting victim too but I'm not. I refused to play the game with my mom. I'm just trying to make a point.

Final word. Seeing yourself as a victim will never make things better. So get your shit back together the minute you recognize the pattern. And it's easy to notice it. If you think your problems are because of others. Then you're playing victim.

P.S. That's not the only event that made me think about victimization. There are so many, done by many people I know, me included, and none of them was justified after thinking of it.

Void like me

Lately, I spent a few eves feeling some kind of void inside me. I don't think it's despair nor depression. I don't feel it that way. Simply, I'm looking for some meaning in the things I do. Let me give you an example. I haven't play video games for 6 or 7 months now. In the past, I used to enjoy it. Since then, playing a game became meaningless. I know it's only entertainment, but I felt it gives me nothing else than wasting my time ( and my money ).

What's the point in spending many hours hitting buttons on a remote controler to watch characters shooting at targets to get further in the game? It's kind of useless. At that time, It wasn't as clear as today in my mind but what I felt about playing video games was the very same void I'm feeling right now. So I guess, I replaced video gaming by something else in order to fill that void. More recently I spent many hours watching tv series such as Dexter, Californication and The wire. What I'm trying to figure out is what are the things I could do that won't end up as meaningless to me, like tv series and video games?

Let me tell you, feeling that void is not really a good mood to be. For the record, getting drunk feels the same as playing video games or watching tv series. Sometimes, I think I'm looking for ice in the desert. If I'm considering myself as an animal, then the meaning of life, of my life should be raising kids, and working on having a secure environment for them, house, clothes, food whatever. It would be a start in explaining why I'm feeling the way I feel about meaningless things.

Because right now, I guess I'm not living like I'm supposed to be. I have no kids, no plans to have one in a near future. As a matter of fact, I'm single. I'm as far as I can be from having a kid. On top of that, I don't feel ready. So having no one else to take care except for myself, combined with the way life is these days, having a roof and a meal isn't what I may call challenging or something I could be proud of. I'm definitly ready for a change.

Instincts

Yesterday, I had the most interesting conversation with the girl I used to have feelings for in a long time. She probably knows me better than my friends do. Well, she knows what I always wanted her to know, so I thought that she may not be aware of all the twists in my mind. You know how it is, you never want to be the nutcase weirdo that gives the creeps to others. Especially if you're falling for that particular other. But the fact is, if you get close to someone, eventually they'll figure that you're a weirdo anyway. I mean, if you're one like me. And she did well to figure it out.

So back to the conversation I had with her. Well, the subject of it doesn't really matters. What lead me to write about it was a simple sentence she said about how differently we approach and solve events in our respectives life. She said : "You know that's what you do. Spending most time thinking on how to react than reacting.". I'm not saying I'm the only one who does or others never do. But it came clear to me the subject of our discussion was about instincs. If something appends and the instant after you react to it. The way you'll do it, comes directly from your instincts.

So I'm questionning myself. What are my instincts? Where do they comes from? How I learned them? I know some people are more impulsive than others. So they probably rely more on their own instincts. They are the ones who are more fit to get their shit back together and do whatever needs to be done to get over it. They don't need to think about the consequences or about the best way to do it. They just do it and they'll deal with the next event if needed.

During the conversation, my friend also told me she thinks there's no good way to behave. You can either lean back, and think about it, or act right away relying on your instincts. Well that's not her words but that's what she meant. I think I disagree. If you step back and think before you decide what to do, that maybe means you're not confident that it'll do any good to rely on them. If my instinct are "me". Shouldn't I thrust them? Isn't what self-confidence is all about? Thrusting you're instincts? I think I should do it more often.