Lately, I've been feeling a bit distant from the melee. Any time I was with friends I wished I was somewhere else reading, thinking, being alone. It's been over a month now that I act like a unsocial savage hermit. A few friends expressed their frustrations about my recent behavior and quite frankly it felt like it justified my isolation buzz.
It made me think about what others acts like you owe them your presence like friendship is meant to be consumed before it burns like it's a cigarette. If you don't breathe smoke once in a while your wasting it. For the heavy smoker type I understand. But I'm not as addicted to cigarette as most people are. The very truth about this, about people having expectations about what you should do, when you should want to see them and do activities, is that I loathe the feeling it gives me. I might have been that guy at some point in my life but I remember having fights with friends about this kind of situations since a long time. What I don't get is this expectation thing. Like doing what they want is more important than doing what I want only because most people are "smokers" and it is supposed to be normal. I've been arguing with a lot of people over the last 5 or 6 years whenever I felt like doing things on my own for a while and no one had better then "we're friend I want to see you" kind of arguments. For me, it's more like using emotions to get want they want. Quite frankly I never understood this. If they were my friends, why they couldn't respected what I wanted instead of insisting to get what they wanted.
Recently, there is one friend I keep in touch almost daily. I've been doing things with her that satisfy my social needs for the moment. I don't feel like seeing the others and that's not because they mean nothing to me. They mean something, only for now, I'm having this reading frenzy. It's taking the rest of my free time and I honestly prefer reading than seeing them. I see you coming a mile away with your balance speech. Hey I got this served a million time and I just don't buy it. I do want I want, others do what they want. When what I want is what others want then let's do it. When it don't, why do people keep on trying to convince me using questionnable manipulation techniques.
I think that's some sort of competition to find out who the leader is. If I make you do things I want to do more often then I'm the leader. I don't think people do that conciously. I think it's an animal behavior that people can't really control ... if they haven't thought of it. If I can tell you a little about myself. At a younger age, I was a competitive, stupid asshole. As I grew up, I went from being most of the time the leader to become a forced follower. It gave me many many frustrations and that explain why I loathe this kind of competition now that I'm no longer competitive. If you're wondering, I'm still an asshole by the way.
So I can't tell I'm better, or I understood something people don't get so I'm clever. I'm not. I'm just a frustrated looser that sometimes wants to be on his own. Man I love books ... more than real people sometimes.
