Fears

In the past weeks, I had thought a lot about fears. About how we manage them, about what is their purpose. How it is related to our inner animal. My thinking got me to an interesting way to look at fears. I'm pretty sure I didn't discover anything revolutionary but I think it's worth a post for me, and a read for you. 

First and foremost, what is fear? Well, it's a more difficult to answer question then it looks. You could enumerate an endless list of fears. You could tell it's a feeling when you feel threaten and you anticipate something awful. The actual definition is : "A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger". Quite frankly, I really don't like these definitions. Why? Because it implies that absolute danger create absolute fear and it also implies that what from any danger possible, there's any fear possible.  I think it's not true. For the record, some fear-related illnesses exist because people see dangers where there might not be. And I think it's almost the same whatever we decided it's an illness or not.

Thinking of fears, of my own fears, I came to a different conclusion. Fears are illusions. Nothing else. You probably know the famous Roosevelt's quote : "Only thing we have to fear is fear itself". Well I think it holds more wisdom than it looks. In our lives, we most of the time feel fear by anticipating consequences. For example, in particular situations at work our behaviors might be influenced by fear of facing consequences like being fired. So you might use more diplomacy with co-workers/bosses. When meeting a girl you might somehow be afraid to be rejected so your behavior might show less confidence. 

There's endless situations where the fear of consequences have influence on our behaviors and it all comes down to the same fear. Fear of loosing. From loosing your life to loosing a competition, fear exists because you're afraid that you might not win. That's why fear is an illusion. Because it's not real. When you feel fear, you haven't lost yet. It's only because you anticipate the consequences you want to avoid that you feel it. 

If you think "animal". Fear is more of a reflex. A mean of defense to survive. When a cat is frighten by a dog. It run away for the same reasons you won't tell your boss what you might think of him : the consequences. Fears are created and not real. Well fear of death might be the one fear you can't avoid because it's a core-animal mean of defense to survival. But it's still an illusion because it hasn't happened yet. 

OK I know what you might think. I'm really not telling you to go tell your boss you don't like him because you shouldn't fear the consequences because they're illusions. I think you should find some kind of balance. Understanding and identifying fears makes them less harmful. It helps you see what are the consequences the fears originate from and it gives you a chance to evaluate which consequences are worth taking a chance and which are not. 

Down the road, it's all about what you can win. Telling your boss he's a jerk gives you little. However asking an attractive girl out is worth taking a chance. Oh that's true, You might have to face the consequences of loosing, but until it happens, it's nothing else but illusion. So that's why fears are absurd. When evaluating consequences, you should be able most of the time to tell you this : I'll face the consequences when they will happen. 

So I guess, as a conclusion, the only danger you should be afraid of is death. Anything else are not dangers. They are consequences and you got to be the one who decide which consequences are worth taking the risk. Fears are illusions and you should see them as tools instead of walls.         

About changing

In many post you can find on this blog, one of the redundant secondary subjects is about changing. I know it could be easy to talk about evolution but I still prefer to use the word "change". In other posts I pointed things that might trigger changes. But it's not really how it came to me. Changes came from situations I analysed. 

Normally with this blog, I'm exposing the problems and I'm talking about the solutions I came up with. But you need to understand that theses thoughts are complex. Probably more than it looks like because I'm not good enough to communicate all the things I thought of during the process. But that's not really the point. The point is : change must come from a situation you analysed yourself. Not a single thing I'm saying in this blog can be read and taken as it is. To the very best, I hope it'll open you eyes on something you never thought of before. 

Change is inevitable. You'll do it throughout your life. Over the years, I found out that to be complaisant , obliging with yourself is to knowingly accept to change according to others around you. It might be good enough for many persons, but I don't find it as optimized and rewarding as changing according to yourself. Also, I surprisingly noticed that I'm influencing much more my entourage then they influence me. I came up thinking it's better this way as I'm feeling I'm more in control of my own life. 

Here's what I do. When It's time to go to bed, I take the time to think about my day. About my behaviors. I'm trying as much as I can to be cold and distant with myself. Like I'm talking to a second me. To become an observant. It often reveals things I need to change. Let's make an easy example. I was talking with a friend and about a particular topic and I gave him an answer that was more like I'm finding a motive, whatever it is, then telling to myself what is the real motive. That's what I call lying to myself. 

For the record, we don't do this on purpose. We just do it while things happen. Because events go too fast for us to think and act at the same time. Too often, you say the first thing that make sense but it's rarely the truth. It's like correcting your mistakes after writing a text. Seeing and telling yourself the truth about why you do what you do is the first step you need to take to be the engineer behind what you want to be over what you might become if you let others do this for you. 

In this case, like anything, it needs repetition to get better, you'll find more situations when you lied to yourself and you'll make the adjustments until you completely change on something you wanted to change. 

To talk a little bit about myself. It might looks like I'm an expert but I'm not. There's still a lot of things I want and need to change and probably more things I don't know yet. But for now, I can tell you this. I'm getting that feeling, like I'm working to unleash the real me and it feels really good. I can't imagine where it will lead me but I know it's for the best. I'm living it.         

Toxic friends

Today I'm having a little thought about friends of the past. The title says "toxic" because that's what they were to me back then. But now I'm over it. And they probably are too so I won't bother you with any stories about them. 

To think of them made me think about the whole process I've been through to notice it was no more good for me to be their friend. It didn't came clear waking up in the morning on a given day. It was more of a long road without exits and without gas stations. As far as you go further on it, you're not quite sure where it leads. The only clues you get is that it's getting worst. There's more bumps, more holes in it. You slow down a little and you continue driving on it, remembering how smooth it was a few hundred kilometers back and wishing the road to get better. 

Until, you realize that is a dead end. Oh you probably never saw the sign and you probably won't see it without going further many hundred kilometers. But the truth is, you feel it's a dead end and you feel it's ruining your car. There's a problem though. It's dark and cold outside. Also, you're not quite sure what's lurking in the dark. So you might be tempted to stay in the car and continue to drive, wishing you got it all wrong and the car won't break. But it will only delay the inevitable. You'll need to get out of the car, and find your own way home. You'll need to face the darkness, the cold and maybe some monsters you were protected from while in the car. 

So that's why I say they were toxic. Because whatever my decision was, staying in the car or to face the darkness alone, the immediate consequences were not fun at all. But to respect myself, I needed to get out of the car. 

Because the morning you wake up feeling proud of yourself, you are over it. It won't necessary means you've defeated all the monsters and you're out of the dark. It would simply means there's no hard feelings anymore. Because that's what it's all about. To make the next step in your life. Things change and sometimes you need to understand that friends can become toxic to you. It's not because they're bad persons. But because you don't get along with them anymore. 

In the heat of the fights, just before getting out the car, you argue about things that don't really matter. No one is right nor wrong. It's just not a good fit anymore. We used to see each others around Christmas and  the new year holidays and I'm pretty sure they'll talk about how crazy they think I am for getting out of the car. Quite frankly if they do, I don't really care. Because they're not toxic anymore to me. They're part of a past "me", that can't fit with my present "me". 

So my advice is, if you find yourself on that bumpy dead-end road. Don't be too afraid of the dark. Get all the courage you have and get out of the car. Someday, you might wake up like me, and see under the decorated tree, the best gift you could ever imagine to give to yourself for Christmas.

Understanding self-esteem

Self-esteem is almost in every motivation peptalk. It's always something people are told to build up in order to be successful. Basically, in our common sense, self-esteem is about feeling good about ourselves. Feeling we're able to achieve whatever we want. I'm not questionning this. I think it's pretty true. On the other hand, I've got a better explanation, a better way out. I can't find the exact quote but Churchill once said something like it's impossible until someone who doesn't know it is, do it. If you don't see the link between self-esteem and Churchill's quote, I'll explain you why I think there is one.

Self-esteem is, to me, overrated in the way people see it. To think there's something you can't do has more to do with failures than self-esteem does. In this case, like Churchill said, ignorance is a strenght. However, it's never that simple. I, myself, am someone who always overthink everything. I often ask myself too many questions and come up with to many anwsers that sometimes became walls between me and my goals. I think that's actually where self-esteem comes in to play. Because someone with high self-esteem will more often anwser his own questions with reasons why he can do it, than reasons why he can't. 

I think it's wrong to see self-esteem as one layer. It has many. For instance, I've got a high self-esteem when it comes to my work as a programmer and little with women. So how did that happen? Well, let's go back to my animal theory. It really explains a lot. As an animal, I'm in a competiton. In each layer where you'll find self-esteem, you'll find a competition. 

Self-esteem is built on the way I compare myself to the competition. It is to know where you stand against it. How you see yourself winning or loosing. Applying the Churchill's quote, to ignore it is a strength. To understand this, can be a key to everyone in every aspect of someone's life. 

You'll always be your worst enemy. All you have to focus on is to compete. Nothing else. Loosing or winning should become meaningless as long as you compete and as long as you find rewards in it. Because that's what we are : animals. If you can reconnect with this basic animal behavior, you'll find self-esteem overrated and eventually, you'll win more often.

Looking beyond words vs fear

Normally, I respect a protocol when it comes to write something. I try to verify in some ways, nothing scientific, if what I think makes sense. In order to do that, most often I try to create a situation with people around me without them knowing what I'm really doing. But tonight, I won't respect the protocol. I'll reuse something I already thought of and revamp it with a thing that just happened to me. 

Looking beyond words is something I like to say I've mastered in the last couple of years. I start with the assumption that everyone's lying once in a while. I'm not talking about big lies, but the small ones. The mild and soft ones. The kind of lies that is used to hide something or to manage someone else feeling. 

How do I do that ? Sometimes I'm looking for the choices of words, for the sentence's suggestive sense. Or often from the story told versus what the body is telling. Tonight I made an interesting discovery. I noticed fear is a strong clue about others real thougths. I think in particular situation, by asking the question, what does the person in front me could be afraid of, the answer might be relevant information about the motives of a lie and it might lead you to spot it. 

Let me clarify something before adding anything else. Spoting lies is not meant to put you in situation of confrontation. You should not try to expose others. Its only purpose is to give you information about how to make your next move. How to adapt your behaviors. 

So back to spotting lies. If you've read one of my previous blog entry in which I talked about the level of truth. You understand that the lies exist because we can't always handle the truth. I think it needs a little adjustment. Absolute truth is fearsome. It can turn our whole world upside down. It can create a billion situations in which you're vulnerable. Lying shields you. It protects you and protects others from bad situations. 

That's why fear is a strong tell about spotting lies, about going beyond words. Like I said, I'm writing this in the heat of the moment. I spotted a soft lie, from someone close to me. It indicated me that my behavior is a little off track. That I'm pushing too hard. Good or bad, I'll use this information to be less of a threat to this person's fear so this very person won't need to lie again about this particular event. 

I might write again about this after I verify more deeply the relation between fear and lies. Also, If you want me to explain more in details my techniques to spot lies, leave a comment.

My animal rank

My apologies, I've not written for a while, almost a month since the last post. But there's a good reason to it. I've socially experienced something new. Something to write about. Lately, I've been spending time with this incredible female specimen, in a friendly context. 

Well friendly that's bold to say so. It is by design, by some engineered animal construction. We're simply not of the same animal rank. Or should I say, my rank, in the animal kingdom ladder is way too far from hers. It means we're friend not because I don't feel sexual pulsions about her, but because I don't believe I belong to her rank. So I block these pulsions for the only matter that it 's quite obvious, for a girl of her stature, that she can't feel the same about me. 

I'm not talking about romance, nor love. I'm talking about basic animal instinct. About the forces that drive us into sexual intercourse and unconsciously to the only purpose of our existence : reproduction. So what does this rank I talked about stands for? I think it's the attractive power someone radiates, inviting others to feel sexual pulsions. 

The girl I talked about sure does radiates a lot. Not only because I felt pulsions, but because I noticed a lot of man gravitating around her feeling the same. Actually, I don't think I saw one man around her not feeling it except her father. Even if they're engaged they do feel it. And let me be clear. It's not only a matter of beauty. Yes she's cute, but not outstanding. There's a lot of more beautiful women I know that don't rank as high as her. Let's just say it this way, beauty is more of the potential. It defines the range you stand on the ladder, but not the actual position. The position is more about the whole thing. About the attractive power I told you about.

I think one mistake many do when it comes to chasing for a partner is to create unrealistic expectations. And that might be because you don't know your own rank. I think you have to evaluate your level of confidence. If you're in a situation where your confidence feels low, you might be playing above your head. And because it is low, your chances of success are lower. Think of it this way. If you're playing in your rank, then you'll be more confident. I know what you're thinking. One person might feel less confident for many reasons, not only because he's in a situation where he tries to catch up with someone higher on the ladder. You're right. I told you about the range, or potential of where you stand. It means your rank moves up and down depending on your mood. On a good day, you might be able to charm someone else that feels less attractive. But you'll not be able to satisfy that someone on long term as you'll also have bad days. 

What I'm telling you is a sucessful couple is two person whose ranks range more often the same. Unfortunatly, if you've noticed, there's something tricky. I told you that our only real goal is reproduction. So during your life, you'll have to face situations where what you want, the people you're attracted to, are not of the same rank as you are. There's also the reality that during your life, the range will move up and down. And if you're  in a relationship, these range movements might not be synchronized. So it's important to know your rank so you won't place yourself in tough situation. Not to mention your decisions will be better for yourself.

Level of truth in a world of lies

For what I know about how our culture. It has a set of what's true and what's not along with a set of what's good and what's not. We apply this concept in our everyday life. It forges our thoughts and opinions. It's our base of judgement. It's the moral. 

For some reasons, these sets are rarely questionned. I can't tell you why, I truly don't know. 

I'll use, a true story as an example . It's about a girl who met a guy online. She chatted with the good-looking man and agreed to meet him for a date. When she met him, she found out he was bald. A complete turn-off. She didn't knew before because he was wearing a baseball cap on each pictures she saw prior to the encounter. So she excuses herself to the washroom, called a friend to ask for her to call her back in a few minutes asking for immediate help so she could dodge the rest of the date. The official reason given to the man in question was she needs to leave because her friend really needs a babysitter and couldn't find anyone else.  

What does this story tell us? First. She lied to the man about the babysitting thing. Second. She was true to herself, she don't like bald man. But these are only what's on the surface. Beneth it, the real reason for her to behave like this is the level of truth. 

Let me explain. Imagine we live in a world of absolute truthness. She would have met him, see that he's bald. Tell him she don't like it and leave. The man wouldn't be hurt in any way because he would say. It's true that I'm bald and it's true that she don't like it so no sweat. 

Unfortunatly, we're not living in this world. In our world, in our culture, she needs to lie. She's forced to. We are all forced to. Why? Tadam! Yeah you figured where I was going. The anwser is the level of truth.

Alright. What's the level of truth? It's the degree of truthness we agreed to share in our culture. In the example, she lied because the man would be hurt if he'd know the truth. So it's better, not only for her, but also for him that she lied. 

See, lying isn't that bad after all. But in our culture, to lie is considered bad. It is part of the set of bad things we never questionned.

But that's not all. The level of truth is more than that. It's about seeing these cultural sets of true/false good/bad things in a different way. Pushing your own level of truth to higher levels helps. 

If you understood the moral of the story above. When you'll find out someone has been lying to you. You'll be able take it without feeling bad, which is great. Because your own level of truth is extended beyond the accepted one. You understand that lying isn't always a bad thing. It is sometimes very handy and clever to use it in our world of lies.

Understanding jealousy

Are you jealous?

It's a legitimate question. Whatever answer you might give, yes, no, sometimes or it depends on the situation. It's irrelevant to me. Your answer is based on a level of truth you allow yourself to see about you. But that's not really the point. The most important answer you could give me to this question is something that would tell me how good you understand what jealousy means.

I'm not giving you the insecurity/fear/anxiety speech. These are for me, only responses to jealousy. So tell me what are the reasons you might get jealous for? No, don't tell me if your girlfriend spend times with another guy. I don't give a fuck. That's not a reason, that's an excuse to be jealous. The concept of jealousy comes directly from the concept of competition. What does it mean? Do you remember my thoughts and theories about humans being animals. Well you got it, competition is a root level concept of the animal kingdom. It means, as animals, we'll face, throughout all of our lives, different kind of competitions.

Jealousy is a feeling you might have, when you forgot about how inevitable competition is. Let's look at it this way. If you anticipate a loss, without having fought, then you're jealous. It's some kind of distortion of the animal we are because we don't see ourselves as animals. If I say, competition is everywhere in everything because it's our nature, our fate, then, it would be accurate to be competitive. Even when there's little hope for a win. You just need to compete because you shouldn't question it.

 

Let's make an example. You and your girlfriend are in a relation for some times. You notice she has particular interests in someone else she's friend with. You feel somehow threaten by the situation she's putting you in. Because of this cultural concept we invented, the couple, we exposed us to the illusion that the other shouldn't put you in a competition. You know, because you put thrust in your relationship and morally, we all agreed on some kind of unwritten contract about what is appropriate and what is not. One of them is the elimination of competition. Which is, if you understand our animal nature, something at the complete opposite.

 

That said, if to be jealous is about refusing competition, then it can't be the right thing to do considering our animal nature. Actually, it should have never existed, only if we would have been honest about who we are. Next time you feel threaten or you anticipate defeat. I suggest you compete instead of complaining to the person who put you in the situation.

Victimization

This is a very delicate subject to me. The main reason why is about how my mother is. She's in the eye of an hurricane named Victim.

Victimization is, to me, the worst thing to do ever. The way people, like my mother, refuse to see their problems as their own responsibility, pretending to be victims of others so we should feel pity for them even if you know there are solutions available. It disgust me at the uttermost level possible. Let me explain why.

First of all, you're never a victim. You choose to be one. Alright, I'll admit it, if you're 10-12 years old and some bastard takes your anal virginity in a shed with Justin Bieber posters on the wall. You're a victim. No one should be forced to look at Justin Bieber while being raped in the ass. Let alone the jokes, there are very bad situations people can't help, they are rightfully victims. Besides these, you're not a victim, you're choosing excuses to be pitiful.

By acting this way, not only you're not helping yourself, you might became a pain in the ass for others and I've yet to mention if they get tired and figured out the victim's game you're playing, they won't accept to be victims of your exaggerated victimization. Funny thing, it leads the "victim" to think he's more of a victim. Ugly.

Second, and it's the absurd part, you are, in some way, really a victim. Not of others or situations you blame your problems for, but of yourself. Victimization is a pattern and a destructive one. It's the reflex to always think the only way to solve them is for other peoples to see and feel your pain so they'll change their ways to stop or prevent you from being hurt. It's being coward, to lack courage to tell yourself the truth and making the needed changes to really solve them by yourself.

For example, a wife is blaming her husband for not taking care of her enough. She thinks the only way to solve the problem is for him to change his ways instead of thinking why, he might not be more tempted to spend time with her. Maybe she's not telling him the right way or maybe she's not making an effort to be interested about what he do, so he'll be more influenced to do the same. Another way to see it is if she's not happy, because she thinks her sadness is bound to her husband not taking care of her, then why not to look for happiness elsewhere. That doesn't mean she needs to leave him. It may be something like spending more time with friends, or starting a new hobby. What I'm trying to say is the real problem is the way she handles the situation. If she were dealing with it without leaving the only solution to her husband to change, then she would make the needed changes more easily and with more efficiency.

If you can't help yourself at least a little, don't expect others will do all the sacrifices for you. It won't happen.

For the record, my mom made my sister's a crying scene because she was complaining she knows nothing about my life. Which is not 100% true nor absolutely false. She knows a lot, but not anything. Who expect to know every aspect of his almost 30 years old son's life? All of this started when she saw a picture of me on Facebook with a girl she didn't knew. I know you may think I'm complaining and in some way I'm acting victim too but I'm not. I refused to play the game with my mom. I'm just trying to make a point.

Final word. Seeing yourself as a victim will never make things better. So get your shit back together the minute you recognize the pattern. And it's easy to notice it. If you think your problems are because of others. Then you're playing victim.

P.S. That's not the only event that made me think about victimization. There are so many, done by many people I know, me included, and none of them was justified after thinking of it.

The lies within

Have you ever read short stories or short sentences with a sloppy morale like be yourself or live in the present. I mean, in fact, these may look like good advices or like it's the right thing to do. But more often, they're not applicable or you can't really tell for sure if you do or if you don't. That's why I say they're sloppy. They exists to make you feel better about yourself so you can believe you're living in the present while still having fights over old events with your ex-husband/wife. Or thinking you're honest and the next thing you do is to call in sick over a lie.

The truth is, and it's sad to say so, people tend to believe they're better person than they actually are. Don't get me wrong, I'm no psychologist, but it may looks like it's a defensive mean and it's a good thing. As a philosopher, I think it's like the fog before your eyes. It prevents you to see clear. You can't help it, but what you do is to lie to yourself and you believe that very lie so you think it's the truth. Don't you think it's pathetic? If you don't, I do. Let me explain you why.

What does growing means? Does it means to get older? I think not. Does it mean to get futher in life like becoming a father? I think not. Growing is about getting better, becoming wiser, being able to use more and more tools out of the lessons life taught you. Do you see what I'm trying to tell you? How can you get better if you lie to yourself about how good you are? How can you grow? No offense meant, but it's a bit stupid don't you think?

Having said that, I do think you're better off telling yourself the truth, even if it hurts, than lying to yourself to manage your feelings about you, about the way you see yourself as a human being. I'm not telling you to never lie. I think it's impossible to never do. But you should never do it to you. You owe this to yourself so you can grow.

The need to thrust the law

As inviduals, we have basic needs. They all share the same goal which is survival. We responded to them by creating tribes, communities or more generaly societies. So It was easier to build shelters to get protection from differents wheathers or enemies, easier to hunt for food. etc. Keep in mind that we did that to survive as individuals. The main objective was always centered towards oneself and never towards a group. So we invented thrust, that's what keeps the group united, like it's a glue. Without it. Nothing like that would be sucessful.

For centuries, the humankind tried to put that thrust in a box. It was necessary because everyone was vulnerable to others. To thrust someone is to be vulnerable of something but not feeling threaten by it. Being vulnerable without thrust is exhausting because you need to always keep your guard up. In other words, thrust was created so you can lower your guard. Putting thrust in a box was necessary to make sure no one would take advantage of your vulnerabilities. It was created to preserve thrust.

Well the box is an image. It represents the laws. We created them to make sure thrust is most often respected and so we can all lower our guards and feel safe. The funny thing is, today we think laws are created to preserve freedom. It can't be. the concept of freedom is bound to the individual who's alone to survive and with it, comes the threats, chaos. It's either, laws ( less freedom ) and safety or no laws ( more freedom ) and more threats. In the process, the more laws we created, the more far from the free animal in a dangerous chaotic world we get.

What is ironic, there's still a risk ahead. It's loosing touch with the reasons we created this mecanism in the first place. If we get this way, then laws are not only used to preserve the thrust we need to share as society to survive, but also to be in the service of something else or someone else. I do think we made that mistake at some point in the evolution of our societies. It may explain why we're living in a world of conflicts. Sometimes we feel laws are unfair, or we know it ain't right. So one may became an outlaw. Not because he's evil or not well educated. But because he feels threaten by the same thing that should make him feel safe.

This is why I'm telling you about the mistake we made.The only explanation I see is that laws aren't always to preserve that thrust. If it really was, then no one would ever want to break it. Because it would be a basic prime need to anyone like you'll never question the need to eat.

Void like me

Lately, I spent a few eves feeling some kind of void inside me. I don't think it's despair nor depression. I don't feel it that way. Simply, I'm looking for some meaning in the things I do. Let me give you an example. I haven't play video games for 6 or 7 months now. In the past, I used to enjoy it. Since then, playing a game became meaningless. I know it's only entertainment, but I felt it gives me nothing else than wasting my time ( and my money ).

What's the point in spending many hours hitting buttons on a remote controler to watch characters shooting at targets to get further in the game? It's kind of useless. At that time, It wasn't as clear as today in my mind but what I felt about playing video games was the very same void I'm feeling right now. So I guess, I replaced video gaming by something else in order to fill that void. More recently I spent many hours watching tv series such as Dexter, Californication and The wire. What I'm trying to figure out is what are the things I could do that won't end up as meaningless to me, like tv series and video games?

Let me tell you, feeling that void is not really a good mood to be. For the record, getting drunk feels the same as playing video games or watching tv series. Sometimes, I think I'm looking for ice in the desert. If I'm considering myself as an animal, then the meaning of life, of my life should be raising kids, and working on having a secure environment for them, house, clothes, food whatever. It would be a start in explaining why I'm feeling the way I feel about meaningless things.

Because right now, I guess I'm not living like I'm supposed to be. I have no kids, no plans to have one in a near future. As a matter of fact, I'm single. I'm as far as I can be from having a kid. On top of that, I don't feel ready. So having no one else to take care except for myself, combined with the way life is these days, having a roof and a meal isn't what I may call challenging or something I could be proud of. I'm definitly ready for a change.

My body and me

When I think of me, as a representation of the person I am, I think about thoughts, personnality, behaviors and body. what's interesting about this list is the relation of control I have over them. I'm pretty sure I control my thoughts, personality and behaviors. You may call this freewill. But what about my body? The relation is completly different. I feel the body, I'm not really deciding anything. I can't control my blood pressure, my heartbeat, nor any glands. I can't say, let's produce adrenalin, it'll be fun. Well I can, in a certain way. If I create an external stimulis to make it happen. But I can't decide this on my own, sitting in my living room.

And it bugs me a lot. Is the body, something appart from me? Like it's two different things. Who's taking decisions? Where's the command center? Who's running it. I can't figure how it does everything by itself like some kind of mechanical construction. Why do I feel I have no direct control over what should be me. Like I own it, instead of be it. When I stop and think about it, I feel like I'm small, inside, and trapt. I can't move. I'm moving my body but that's all. Don't you feel you're always somewhere behind the eyes and between the ears. Why can't I feel I'm in my foot?

I saw some videos of monks taking their minds over their bodies and achieving impressives things. So my guess is there's a key somewhere to the command center. A way I can be my body's own captain. Where I can be my body instead of having a body. It's the only clue I have to get the "animal" hypothesis I talked in this blog previous entries to a superior level. A level where I could tell, yes, humans are appart from animals. But until then, as long as my body works by itself, reacting to stimulis, over which I have no control, I'm still an animal or should I say, I'm inside an animal.

Fitting in

As a grown up, approaching 30, I often look back in my past, trying to find clues about questions I ask myself. As I was analysing my younger years, back to the elementary school times, I discovered something I think is very important regarding my development as an adult. That's about learning to fit in.

Elementary school is probably the most chaotic environment you may experience during your life. It's full of cruel kids that haven't yet to understand what you can or cannot tell or do to someone. For exemple, as a kid, one may laugh and say terrible things to another kid about his differences. As an adult, you'll be more cautious to not hurt someone this way. I don't think it has anything to do with the higher possibilities that his differences made you laugh when you're young and doesn't when you're old. It's only because you learned this behavior is inappropriate. So as a kid, trying to fit in is a major priority for your social life. You don't want others kids to make fun of you. Your actions are more influenced by this preoccupation than you may think. You want and need to fit in.

The truth is, or should I say the problem is, you may try as hard as you want to fit in a group, you'll always be the odd man's out. Like in a jigsaw puzzle. If you find a piece that may matches the form and seems to fit. If the colors and/or the drawing doesn't fit, you know it's not the place for this particular piece. So what's the right way to do it? It's not to try to fit it in, it's to find where it fits better. Unfortunatly, life's not exactly as a puzzle. Your shape changes so does your colors. Confusing as it may be, you can't really tell whenever you're trying to fit in or you're searching for where you fit better and I didn't even mention all the misunderstandings and problems it may trigger when you were in a place you fit in and you change into someone who doesn't fit in anymore.

If we take a look at the big picture, we might see some kind of hapiness receipe. You simply want every piece of the life's puzzle to fit in perfectly. It appears to me like some kind of lesson. It's useless to try to change or changing someone else so you can feel better if you recognize a situation you don't fit in. You'd be better searching elsewhere where you fit.

Struggling

Struggling is inevitable in one's life. You just can't avoid it. You may think the difference between individuals is how they react when it appends. Let's try anwsering this by keeping it simple. Struggling is like being in a traffic jam on an highway. You know it's not going to be fun and also you know it's gonna take some times. The only things you really can't tell is how much time will it last and how bad it will be. On the other hand, you know it's not a big deal. You'll eventually get out of the traffic jam and it's going to run smoothly until you get it the next traffic jam. It has always been like that. Like good and bad weather.

So you're in and you see exits on your right. You can't really tell if they'll get you out or not but you may be tempted to give it a try. Of course it might work but you can't tell on which road it will lead you on unless you took it in the past. Let's make an exemple. For instance, if you're in a relationship and things are getting complicated. You may see many exits. One might be to simply getting out of the relationship, or another one might be to fake it. Whatever the exit is, it will always get you on a different path than the one you were on.

So the question is. Why were you on that road in the first place. The honest anwser might be someting like you had a goal, a destination. Well you may say there are many roads that lead to this destination so if there's a traffic jam here let's try an exit and see if I can make it. Do you get what I'm trying to tell you? I'm talking about knowing what you want.

There's a problem thought. If by taking an other road you feel what you wanted has changed. The destination is not the same anymore so you haven't taken an exit to get back on the road there was a traffic jam on. You took a complete different path. What if you repeat this over and over and over again. You may never reach any destination at all and someday you will run out of gas. So what's left? The meaning. That's why we're all on this trip. Because we all believe there's a destination, whatever this destination is, that means something. For many it's raising children, for others it's to get married or getting your diploma, success in your career. So you'll continue, as long as you can. Taking exits, changing destination, reaching some or many of them until like I said, you run out of gas which means the only real destination is death.

What is the real meaning of this? Is it to realize it was a hell of a trip? Or it is simply enjoying driving. I do think this is only what really matters and it has nothing to do with how many destinations you reached. Thinking like that may get you out of your struggles better than any exit you may try.

Instincts

Yesterday, I had the most interesting conversation with the girl I used to have feelings for in a long time. She probably knows me better than my friends do. Well, she knows what I always wanted her to know, so I thought that she may not be aware of all the twists in my mind. You know how it is, you never want to be the nutcase weirdo that gives the creeps to others. Especially if you're falling for that particular other. But the fact is, if you get close to someone, eventually they'll figure that you're a weirdo anyway. I mean, if you're one like me. And she did well to figure it out.

So back to the conversation I had with her. Well, the subject of it doesn't really matters. What lead me to write about it was a simple sentence she said about how differently we approach and solve events in our respectives life. She said : "You know that's what you do. Spending most time thinking on how to react than reacting.". I'm not saying I'm the only one who does or others never do. But it came clear to me the subject of our discussion was about instincs. If something appends and the instant after you react to it. The way you'll do it, comes directly from your instincts.

So I'm questionning myself. What are my instincts? Where do they comes from? How I learned them? I know some people are more impulsive than others. So they probably rely more on their own instincts. They are the ones who are more fit to get their shit back together and do whatever needs to be done to get over it. They don't need to think about the consequences or about the best way to do it. They just do it and they'll deal with the next event if needed.

During the conversation, my friend also told me she thinks there's no good way to behave. You can either lean back, and think about it, or act right away relying on your instincts. Well that's not her words but that's what she meant. I think I disagree. If you step back and think before you decide what to do, that maybe means you're not confident that it'll do any good to rely on them. If my instinct are "me". Shouldn't I thrust them? Isn't what self-confidence is all about? Thrusting you're instincts? I think I should do it more often.

Introduction

Well, what can I say? Welcome to my blog. I guess this is the kind of speech that is appealing to the situation since this entry is the introduction to the shit I’ll be writing here. I hope you’ll like. Alright, enough with the formalities because it’s not quite what I want to write about. Actually, it’s the complete opposite. The way we learned to behave, in any situation, is not what I’m looking for and that’s really not what’s you’re going to get here. Well, let me stop you right now. I’m not going to tell you what’s good or what’s bad about the way we’re acting, thinking or judging based on what we decided as individuals and society to be. I will tell you what is. Humans are animals. Period. Beyond that, it’s pure invention or should I say, layers added over what’s real, over what we deeply are. With this blog, I’m taking you on a quest to find out who we are. Guess what, I know what you may think right now. Just another unknown asshole throwing shit on the web just trying to get some kind of attention from strangers to feel good about him. Well, it might be, but getting on this quest of finding who we are is the only thing we’ve been doing on this earth since we can remember. That’s what religions are for, that’s what science is for, that’s what culture is for and that’s what anything that is meant to be is for. And you know what? I truly believe we have failed so far so let’s keep trying shall we? That’s what this blog is all about.

So let’s get a start. Who am I? Well I don’t know. You tell me. Since I can’t answer precisely to this question, let’s try the other way around. Who I’m not. I’m pretty sure I’m not what I own. It can’t define me. I’m not my tastes, I’m not my opinions and I’m certainly not my hobbies. Why am I sure about this? Over the years, these has changed so it can’t be me. “Me” must be some kind of constant. If not, then how am I really sure to be different than others?

So what’s left? The choices. Things, tastes, opinions, hobbies, they changed over time because I made choices. These always appeared good at the exact time I made them and often bad afterwards. The 20 years old “me” made choices that the actual “me” would never ever made. I don’t really think it’s about growing or anything like that. Maybe a little, but mainly I think it’s more about influences. I don’t have the same influences that I had at the time so that's maybe why my choices would have been different if I had my actual influences. So where am I now? I’m afraid I'm nowhere near the answer  because these influences get  the choices I made away from a hypothetical “me” constant. So are influences the essence of “me”? Maybe it is. But I’d prefer to think it isn’t because it would mean I’m no one and everyone at the same time. I’m the small town I come from, I’m my friends, I’m my parents and I’m any response I had from any situations I’ve been in.

Doesn’t it make any sense to you that I’m some kind of a result from a complex mathematical expression of my life? Shouldn’t I be more authentic? Well some thinks it is. I don’t. Why is it so? Because at some point, I guess, as a society, we would have figured that out and made it better only because we could. Life isn’t always a party. If it would have anything to do with some equation, even if very complex, I hope we would have made the world some kind of paradise. It’s definitively not. It’s a jungle. It’s some kind of war in which guns are replaced by the animal competition. It takes us back to the things, tastes, opinions and hobbies I talked about. These are just tools I can take out of the toolbox of life to compete with others. To try winning the war we’re all involved in. The funny thing is we don’t really know why we’re in it. So this very question, "why am I in this war?", is bound to the question "who am I?" and that’s because I’m an animal. I guess we’ll need to go down that road of discovering what the animal in me is accounted for the actions I do in my day-to-day war and maybe I’ll find the answer to the question... or not.