Cultural clash : English vs French in Quebec

I live in a province of Canada ( Quebec ) that has his own ( and specific ) cultural context. Starting with the obvious : language, we're a majority of french speaking Canadians, continuing to its European heritage and adding, important to mention, descendants of the loosing side of the colonial wars. These factors forged a part of our personalities. It's a big chain of events that had influence over the generations; always making the next one different and unique. It's an evolution. 

Many people want to protect our culture from other's. Like it's a second invasion of the long gone New France. I'm not taking any position about whatever mean we should take to ensure our cultural uniqueness. I think very few people will agree with me on this one, but I don't even care that we should. In our province, there's not many voices that go against protecting our culture and to some extent, I understand. But I asked myself why is it so important to protect it and came up with this explanation. 

I asked myself. When has it become an issue to protect our culture? Was it Montcalm first preoccupation when he was fighting the redcoats? I don't know for sure but I don't think it was. It was a question of conquest for land and resources. It became an issue because we lost. It was the only thing left to fight for; our origin, our language, our culture. We lived amongst a different culture since then. But that British culture influenced us and even if it's still two separate cultures today, the New France culture's evolution is inseparable to the lost of Montcalm during the battle of the Plains of Abraham and ultimately to the English culture. 

Yet, these days, there's a hunt in my province for people who choose to not embrace the french culture by learning its language and/or making it flourish on different layers. Quebec is Canada and Canada is Quebec. We live in a bilingual country. I agree and understand that people have the right to work in their language. But explain to me when has it been made mandatory to learn both languages? I mean, its a question of choice. Each individual have a choice. Whatever is to learn a second language or not. If they don't feel the need to it, then why would it be wrong? 

Culture influence individuals and individuals makes culture. Am I an "enemy" only because I chose to write a blog in "anglais"? I chose it to help me improve my English skills and it still needs to get better for my liking. What is wrong with that? We consume culture from different sources. Many comes from foreign countries. Are we wrong to open ourselves to other cultures? 

I have no problem with financing french culture in our province, but it is still my choice, as an individual to speak, write, read in the language I want. If someone can live in our province without feeling or having the need to speak french that's his own business. I'm born french Canadian but that doesn't automatically make me a knight defender of our culture. Somehow, people, by questioning, criticizing my choices and making it a moral issue, are walking on turf they don't own. This turf is call free choice. You can put any measures to encourage individuals to choose french. I have no problem at all with this. But once you're starting to point persons and to criticize their choices, you've taken the wrong path if your quest is the perenniality of french in America. 

Fiction on Nowhere Near Normality

I started writing fiction during last summer. My reading habits had increased and it gave me the will to give it a shot. I've read a few blog with many advices about writing and without much of a technique I started with short stories. 

I didn't have problems finding ideas or anything. Actually it was the other way around. Once I started a story, a better idea came to replace the one I was writing about. I ended up having many unfinished stories that I told myself I'd finish another time but now I know I probably never will or if I do it'll be because the idea was really good. I may still be bad at it (I might never be any good who knows) but I've improved and I know now that I can do better with those unfinished stories. 

I finished the first draft of a story this week-end and even though it's probably also very bad, it's the best one so far. That's probably why was able to write it to the end. I'll post it here when I'll be done rewriting/correcting it. I do not plan to make a career as a writer anyway and I don't pursue the dream of being published. I began to write only for the fun of it and to find out if I can make it. Until I change my mind I'll post my stories on this blog. 

I want to get better, so feel free to give advice and to tell me what doesn't work. You won't hurt my ego at all. The harder you are with my writings the happier I'll be. I'm an amateur and even if, like I said, I don't plan to be a published writer, my stories are meant to be read. I thank you in advance if you read me and more particularly if you participate with advices and critics.

Our evil ways

Sometimes, I'm having a hard time dealing with people who claim to be good, moral persons. Let me explain. I'm 31 years old now and for what I know I, too, claimed myself to be a good person for maybe the first 28-29 years. Looking back at what I did, it was a false statement. My intentions were good though. No, not really. The right way to put it is to say that I thought I had good intentions so I thought I was good. 

Please don't get me wrong, I didn't do anything awful or really out of the ordinary. What I mean is that until I realized all the evil behind my actions, I was pretty normal. My understanding of life changed and the more I come to know someone now, the more I see all the excuses, all the reasons they tell themselves to justify their actions. That way they keep a good opinion of themselves. They always see their actions from the inside. 

Let me use an image. Your driving your car and someone honks his horn at you. You don't know what you did to offense or endanger the other driver. You curse him and you go on. To him, your a bad driver, but you don't think you're a bad driver. In fact, you think you're a good driver and that guy lacks judgement. The truth is, You will never drive accordingly to all others. You will drive your way and others will drive their ways and because there can't be total harmony. As a result, you're going to be honked at once in a while. 

That's what it is all about. You may think you're doing good, but in fact someone thinks you're doing bad because your actions may have negatives effects on him. That's why nobody's really good. Why does it bug me? Because the way people justify themselves often end up to worst behaviors than the initial offense, in my example, it was the cursing. It's especially during a conflict because of the tension escalation. 

Are we good persons ? No I don't think we are. So we're evil then? No we're not. What are we then? Persistant to stay unaware of the fact that it's impossible to be good even if you feel you're most of the time good. It prevents you to be less stubborn, more compassionate of those you may have offended, less selfish and ultimately and ironically a better person.

Dennis Lehane - Gone, baby, gone

Gone, baby, gone is the second book in the Kenzie and Gennaro serie I read. You might be more familiar with the movie though which I haven't seen yet but will in the near future. This story takes place around the abduction of Amanda McCready. A four years old little girl from Dorcester whose mother is negligent enough to go drink, while Amanda sleeps alone their unhealthy apartment, in a watering hole named Filmore tap. A place where vermins and other low-life criminals hang out. Right off the bat you can tell this story's gonna question your own morality. But what's great about this book is that even if you're expecting it, the way it questions our morality, our perspective on society, on the ugliness hidden in plain sight that surround all of us, is overwhelming. Gone, baby, gone kept me turning the pages whenever I had the time to, even brought the book at my job so I could read during breaks. 

Besides the thrill of the story itself, I got surprised a few times and I love it when I'm surprised, I have to give the first star to Remy Broussard. Lehane built one of the most interesting characters I've read about so far. He's a gritty detective, clever, athletic and good looking with almost 20 years of service in different departments such as vice, narcs and the CAC, crimes against children. He's on the McCready case with his partner Poole, a cop nearing retirement. Broussard is the kind of guy that can be very hard with the whom he loathes and very warm and caring with the one he loves and he loves children. That multiple dimensions/ layers type of personality makes him alive and go beyond the tough enough policeman who has seen too much shit he'd never blink an eye anymore on misery and deprivation. When he and Poole told their story about the kid they've found in a barrel with cement still liquid and the way he looses his temper during the Cheese Olamon's interrogation are good example of how well built Remy Broussard is. He's also the character that will challenge your morality the most.  

Lehane has not only my respect and admiration. He rightfully deserve a place in my favorites authors list and I won't wait long to read another of his books. He's that good.          

Received my Kindle today

I must say that I'm impressed. It took only 3 days to arrive. Normally  it takes more than one week to receive packages I order. More often two. The first thing I did after unpacking it was to order BEAT to a PULP: Hardboiled and The Lost Children: A Charity Anthology because they're the first two publications of a friend of mine Ben Lelièvre. You can read him at Dead End Follies. He's a smart and interesting guy to read. I guarantee it's worthwhile 

I'm going to finish Gone, baby, gone by Dennis Lehane first and then I'll attack these two collections of short stories and I must say they look as promising as Ben's future as a writer.

Also, The Lost Children is for the benefit of PROTECT and Children 1st Scotland.

I'll probably blog my thoughts about them in a near future. Stay tune and get your copies on the kindle store.

By the way, the Kindle looks like a kick-ass gadget. I might had just got it out of the box and quite frankly I wasn't really informed about it when I ordered it. I just did. But man this thing is cool. It looks like a toy I had back in the days I was a kid. You know the drawing board that worked with magnets and little marbles trap behind the screen. You had to turn the two knobs left and right in order to draw something. Well the kindle sure is more precise than this crap toy but the screen feels the same. I think I'll enjoy it a lot.

Edit : My bad, I reread myself and it sounded like the whole collections were written by Ben. Actually he wrote a story in each of the book mentioned. As for all others writers, I must admit I don't know much about them and will have one or two more clues after reading their stories. 

I'm finally back

I know I know. My last post was in June and it said that a new site was coming. My apologies. I had other worries. I worked a lot, limiting my free time. On top of that, I've experienced a very frustrating and depressing period. I wasn't complaining or anything but I simply shut out. When I wasn't drunk and playing bass I was sleeping. I don't think I need to explain myself more than that but I'll add a little something.

I went through many strong emotions and you may know, if you read my blog that I often associate humans with animals. In order to survive, many animals rely on violence. Over the past few months I had many violent fantasies. Don't get me wrong I didn't fell for them. I'm civilized. I know I can't use violence to take care of my problems. You can't simply punch someone in the face, even if he deserved it but you can feel the need to be violent. To act like an animal. To let your frustrations out. 

Humans are violent in many ways other than the physical way. One of them is psychological. If you can get in trouble for using physical violence, you won't get much, in the sense of the law, about the psychological. You can fight back but for many reasons, if your attacks don't hit the target then you still feel unavenged. Why is it important? I don't know. If someone comes to me and punch me. I may not counter and call the police instead. That's still using something violent in response. Call it civilized or smart in a way to solve the issue, for me it's still retaliation. You put the other in trouble by calling the police. Look at the big and the small history and you'll notice the same pattern : someone get offended and he retaliates. That's how it goes.

So when you can't find anything within what's socially accepted to retaliate against someone who hurt you what do you do? You get over it. Well for me, it was to work long hours, drink a lot and rock by bass. 

Now I'm back and I'll have a lot more to say as this shitty phase turns out to be an inspiration. 

Smooth Criminals Reading Challenge 2012

I was invited to sign up for the smooth criminals reading challenge by Ben Lelièvre from Dead End Follies and I gladly accepted for two main reasons. The first one is for the fun of it. I've never participated in a challenge like this. Second, I really started reading more recently so I had many titles to choose from. Among the books I've read so far, very few were crime novels. I thought this challenge to be the perfect pretext to really get into it and get a feel of the intense primal violence buried deep down inside me, inside most of us.

So here's my choices

Hardboiled classic

The chill by Ross Macdonald

Noir classic

The killer inside me by Jim Thompson

Prison book

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich by Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Book written by a writer who did time

A Dialogue of Comfort Against Tribulation by Saint Thomas More

Book with a psychopath protagonist

The Collector by John Fowles

Gothic novel

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

Classic crime novel

The Manchurian Candidate by Richard Condon

The "Why the hell am I doing this to myself?" book

Plato: Republic by Plato

If you're interested in signing in to this challenge hosted at Dead End Follies for 2012, simply click on the image above.

Twitter and news

Nowhere Near Normality is now on twitter. Follow me @NoNearNormality. I'll use twitter mainly for three things.

First, like anyone else does with their blog, I'll tweet new blog entries on Nowhere Near Normality.

Second, I'll tweet ideas worth of sharing. I often have ideas that I don't blog about but would like to write. twitter's the place. I also want to try to express a thought in fewer words to enhance my writing skills.

Third, I want to use twitter to communicate more often with the community. Other blog writers and readers of Nowhere Near Normality.

Also, I want to rewrite and revamp my blog. When I started blogging. I did it without any expectations. I really thought I would quit after a while. On the contrary, now I want to dedicate myself more. So I'll refine my work here, shine it a little.

By the way any advice on blogging like putting pictures with each entry and make weekly/monthly "rendez-vous" with the readers is welcome. I never put much attention on making Nowhere Near Normality a good blogging experience but it'll change.

Burried frustrations of a sociopath looser

Lately, I've been feeling a bit distant from the melee. Any time I was with friends I wished I was somewhere else reading, thinking, being alone. It's been over a month now that I act like a unsocial savage hermit. A few friends expressed their frustrations about my recent behavior and quite frankly it felt like it justified my isolation buzz.

It made me think about what others acts like you owe them your presence like friendship is meant to be consumed before it burns like it's a cigarette. If you don't breathe smoke once in a while your wasting it. For the heavy smoker type I understand. But I'm not as addicted to cigarette as most people are. The very truth about this, about people having expectations about what you should do, when you should want to see them and do activities, is that I loathe the feeling it gives me. I might have been that guy at some point in my life but I remember having fights with friends about this kind of situations since a long time. What I don't get is this expectation thing. Like doing what they want is more important than doing what I want only because most people are "smokers" and it is supposed to be normal. I've been arguing with a lot of people over the last 5 or 6 years whenever I felt like doing things on my own for a while and no one had better then "we're friend I want to see you" kind of arguments. For me, it's more like using emotions to get want they want. Quite frankly I never understood this. If they were my friends, why they couldn't respected what I wanted instead of insisting to get what they wanted. 

Recently, there is one friend I keep in touch almost daily. I've been doing things with her that satisfy my social needs for the moment. I don't feel like seeing the others and that's not because they mean nothing to me. They mean something, only for now, I'm having this reading frenzy. It's taking the rest of my free time and I honestly prefer reading than seeing them. I see you coming a mile away with your balance speech. Hey I got this served a million time and I just don't buy it. I do want I want, others do what they want. When what I want is what others want then let's do it. When it don't, why do people keep on trying to convince me using questionnable manipulation techniques. 

I think that's some sort of competition to find out who the leader is. If I make you do things I want to do more often then I'm the leader. I don't think people do that conciously. I think it's an animal behavior that people can't really control ... if they haven't thought of it. If I can tell you a little about myself. At a younger age, I was a competitive, stupid asshole. As I grew up, I went from being most of the time the leader to become a forced follower. It gave me many many frustrations and that explain why I loathe this kind of competition now that I'm no longer competitive. If you're wondering, I'm still an asshole by the way. 

So I can't tell I'm better, or I understood something people don't get so I'm clever. I'm not. I'm just a frustrated looser that sometimes wants to be on his own. Man I love books ... more than real people sometimes.     

Book buying spree

I know I know ... I haven't finished the last books I bought last time and normally I wait until I'm done with all the books I buy before buying more. That's mainly because you need more discipline than I have if you do that. I read The catcher in the rye and Animal farm from last week visit at Renaud Bray. I was about to start The road by Cormac McCarthy but now I have this difficult choice to make for my next read. I bought Darkness, take my hand by Dennis Lehane, recommended by Ben from Dead End Follies and Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury. I might still read The road first, but I glanced at the first pages of Darkness, take my hand and I'd say it sounds very promising. I shall use that as a motivation to read The road really fast so I can start reading Lehane. I'm glad I limited myself to two new addition because I had like 5-6 titles in my hand to choose from. I almost left with 3 books. I found it hard to let Breakfast at Tiffany's by Truman Capote behind. You might not understand this but I live in a region of the province of Quebec where 99.5% of the population speaks French. So the English selection in book stores are usually very thin. Finding 5-6 interesting titles among the Nicholas Sparks, Elizabeth Gilbert, James Patterson books is something uncommon for me. 

Quick bookish update

I've made 3 new additions yesterday during my Quebec city one day visit. The catcher in the rye by J.D. Salinger, Animal farm by George Orwell and The road by Cormac McCarthy.

The catcher in the rye was on my "to buy list" for quite some times. A book so claimed, with all the controversy around it was sure to draw my attention. I was planning to get it from Amazon the next time I would place an order but when I saw a copy in the small English book section of Renaud Bray I couldn't help myself. Luckily for me, I paid the same price I would on Amazon. 

A few weeks ago I was drinking a beer with a friend after my first golf practice of the year at a driving range near where I live and we talked about books. He went to a private high school and he told me that he loved most of the mandatory reads he had. He talked much more of the Animal Farm than the others and it caught my interest. For 9$ it was an easy grab for me. The book's about communism and the abuse of political power and I think using animals to picture it was very clever. My hopes are, beyond the caricature of the fear of communism, to see absurd contradictions with the animal world and ours.

As for The road, I won't lie to you. I had no intention of buying or reading it before seeing it on the book display. It was among James Patterson, Nora Roberts and Dan Brown's books. Although I know little of McCarthy (shame on me), I've heard his name enough to have the desire of reading him one day. I didn't see the movie made from this book and I'm glad I didn't. For some unknown reasons I don't see books that I saw the movie with the same appetite for reading it. My friend from Dead end follies praise a lot about Lehane's Mystic River and Palahniuk's Fight Club and believe me I have Ben's opinion in high esteem. But I can't understand why I always have this strange feeling about the books that I've seen the movie. My reason suggest me books that are good enough to be brought to the big screen are certainly good enough to read but I don't know, it's not working for me. I always choose something else over the two books I just mentioned. I know it's stupid but it is the way it is. I guess I've heard too much the proverbial "but the book is so much better" that I fear I would end up saying it too because it's probably and arguably true 99% (if not 100%) of the time. As for The road, I simply took it impulsively because it was McCarthy's. I'm glad to read this morning that the book was such a success even if the Pulitzer prize award winner tag on the cover had provided a hint it was. I hope The road is a good choice for my first McCarthy.     

Death

What a great subject. I'm surprised I didn't write about it before today. The end of one's life is, in our culture, something considered mostly negative. At least it is for those who still live. We cry those who leave our world. We created many mechanisms, through spirituality and beliefs, to get over our losses. 

I know you might not like what I will say, but we are most of the time self-centered. To mourn is somehow an expression of this self-centerness. However, when you think about death. It's like the end of a book. When you start reading, you know the story will come to an end and that's the purpose of reading it. To get through it, enjoy it and know its end. Whatever it's a sad, happy, short, long, filled or empty story. You share something with the "author" while "reading" it. That's life.

I know some will say that you can't compare a life with a book. The relation you create with a book isn't as strong as a relation with a living person. I agree with you. The level of emotions is more likely to be more important. So when you finish a book, you can't feel the same in comparaison when someone's story ends. And I haven't talked about how it ends. Sometimes the circumstances are awful. Where I live, in the province of Quebec, we had 3 horror story lately. There is this cardiologist who stabbed his two children because his wife was cheating on him. This couple who beat a 4 years old boy to death. And this 2 months old baby who's cryings, because her arm was broken, drove his father crazy enough to shake her to death. 

So you might think it is unfair for them. To have their lives taken away like this. Unfair also for those who loved them. And you are damn right. It is unfair. That's the whole idea about death. When granted the privilege of life, nature never gave any living creature a waranty. For many reasons, we feel and live otherwise. Like is a right the society or even life itself  owe to you. That every man should live until his body can't. The cold truth is it will never be this way. So I question the spirit of our cultural relation with death.

I think we feel sad about death, because we are rarely prepared for it. We don't live like the next chapter, the next page might be the last and we don't expect others to live also like that. For this reason, I think we don't respect death enough. It is inevitable, whenever it happens at 90 or 30 or 9 or 3. It will happen. I know it's hard to not expect to live X years and do whatever we want to do with our lives, but we live like this because we forgot our lives has no warranties. Taking it for granted is, to me, disrespectful of what nature is : unfair.

I want you to try to disconnect with our cultural relation with death and think about it. Would it be possible to praise death like we praise life? Would we have more respect in life if we respect death the way it should be? I'm asking this because I'm wondering if the lives of the kids in the three stories above would have been taken away from them if we had more respect and a more "happy" relation with death. Because they died as some sort of punishment for really bad reasons. Death shouldn't be a punishment. It's the end of a book. It's sometimes the best part. It is inevitable and it should be as important as life is whenever it happens before having white hairs.         

You’re good. Get better. Stop asking for things.

On Monday, I wanted to write a post about how my weekend went and how miserably I failed to get this wished idea to get a new spark into my kind of boring life. Halfway into explaining why I didn't reach my goal I stopped to wonder a few minutes about what I was about to do and I deleted what I wrote. For those who knows me, and how I use my wisdom to disarm many "explosive" situations, you'll probably find this funny.

When I left the office on Friday morning. I didn't notice what kind of pressure I put myself on. I thought I needed a new start. Which is still true by the way. And I built theses unecessary walls around it. It had to happen during this weekend. Not on Monday, not on Tuesday. I gave myself Saturday and Sunday to achieve that. That's completly absurd. Why on earth would I believed I needed this goal, to find a new beginning, done in two days?

Well, I didn't really need it. I wanted it though. And that's two completly different things. Normally, I'm quite able to discern what I want from what I need but this time I didn't and that's exactly why I failed to reach the goal I set for myself.

Quite frankly, I didn't realized it until this very morning. When I was writting that post about my failure on Monday. I knew I was wrong writting it. That's why I stopped and never published it. Today, I had my answer. I woke up early. 3h30 AM. With the intention of going to work before everyone else. ( I often do that, I love when the office is cold, empty and noiseless. I usually have a cup of tea and slowly start working. I'm very productive early in the morning ) But this morning, I didn't went to work right after taking a shower. I decided to entertain myself a little before going. 

So I watched an episode of Mad Men. I love this show but I don't really want to discuss about it on my blog. I just want to share with you a sentence Don Draper said to Peggy Olsen : "You’re good. Get better. Stop asking for things." 

I'm taking voluntarily it out of context because theses words. In the show, they are very direct, precise. They mean what they mean word for word. But these resonated into my head like Don was actually talking to me in my own context. 

When we think about it. It's in complete contradiction with what I usually praise. I'm always talking about taking action. About identifying opportunities to take it, in many things we see as negative, bad. Yet, I find it very clever to "stop asking for things". 

Let me explain, I feel I went into this weekend like I was asking to "life" to give me something, an idea for a new beginning. Like "life" owed it me. Like I diserved it. I was so wrong.

I'm good, I'll get better, I'll stop asking for things and it will happen. I'll have all the beginnings I want and need.

I can't help myself for feeling dumb to went through this whole process to end up with something so simple and basic that anyone can brag that's what they always do.

Thanks Don. 

 

Personal thoughts to think over the weekend.

This weekend. I'm calling it off. I mean, no computer, no socialization of any kind, or the least possible. It'll be me alone with me. I'll be reading, thinking, walking, running. I'm experiencing strange feelings lately. I feel that void inside that need to be fill. I remember something I use to talk about with an old friend of mine. It was about beginnings and endings. 

I don't remember if I blogged about this already but it goes like this. Our lives are a subsequence of overlapping beginnings and endings. In between is the boring part. You are usually more thrilled with Beginnings. Endings are either a relief or a loss but they always make room for new beginnings. So the less time you spent in between the more fun, valuable, meaningful your life may be. 

That's why events like having kids, buying an house, vacations, or whatever is a new beginning, is like a boost for your life, or your couple according to theses examples. If you get stuck too much in between, then you'll get bored. And when you get bored you tend to feel different about the same things that were thrilling when they were "beginnings". 

I think that defines the void I'm feeling right now. I'm stuck in between. The problem is, I'm not quite sure of what I want as a new beginning. Well that's not true. It would be more acurate to say there's nothing at reach that comes into my mind that I would like to start. I also haven't realized yet if I need to end something to make room for a new thing in my life. 

These are the questions I hope my weekend will help me elude. It's an interresting exercice to do. I did it a few times in the last couple of years and it was always a rewardful experience. I know most people don't feel the need to do this because they feel, most time, overwhelmed with their occupations. Like it's full, no room for anything. I'm not judging. It's fine if they feel happy about it. 

But as I rejected the contemporary way of living ( and ironically working in a very contemporary field of expertise ). It became a very important issue to me to find meaningful things to do with my life. I'm no more ( or less ) interrested in accumulating belongings, spending hours on irreleavant entertainment or anything that don't enhance myself on some level. I find it challenging but I'm still asking myself what's the big picture of doing all this. 

Anyhow, that's what I found to be the best way to change into someone who's looking to elevate his mind and having more respect in his body ( than I had before ).

Self-Improvement ( was about weaknesses at first but ... )

I must admit it. Lately I've been weak. It's not something I'm ashamed of. Believe me. I'm not going to give you the men should not show weaknesses. I prefer to think weaknesses are useful. You can take the best of out them if you don't fall into showing weakness to lure someone into compassionate involvment to strengthen them or if you fall into despair and complaint. 

My point is, every men have to right to be weak once in a while. It's not really important to show or hide them to others. However, it's part of the truth you owe to yourself. When you feel vulnerable and you're weak. You got to be honest with yourself and to not be ashamed to feel this way. That's not a threat to your manhood. The threat is how you react to weaknesses. To man up doesn't mean to hide them. It's to find a way to turn weaknesses into strenghts. And by that, I mean without having someone else taking care of the problem. You need to feel that you are the solution to you. It doesn't mean to never ask for help or never accept help. It means you must be part of the action. For instance. If you lack confidence in bed. You can't rely only on your partner to tell you how "great" you are or to fake your so-called greatness. What if your partner stops making this? What if you change your sex partner? 

You see what I'm telling you ? If the solution comes from others, then it's a contextual solution. It's not solving your weakness. So I was saying that I was weak. For a few days, I must admit I was drifting away with fatalist ideas. And that is exactly why I'm writting this. I realized that weaknesses, like many other things I pointed to you in previous blog entries, are calls to step up, to man up, to change into a better version of yourself. 

I'm really into this self-improvement thing. It's the fuel I use to find a meaning out of the things I do. And I also think it's where the philosophical part of all my posts on self improvement is. It's about living a meaningful life. I know most of the people I know don't always need to know exactly why they do what they do. They go with the flow of their lives and wish it will lead them to some place, somewhere, where, you know, there's happiness. What they don't realize is happiness is like flowers along the road of your life. You'll eventually find many as you live your life, but as you advance on that road, it won't necessary means there will be more flowers the further you go. That's why the meaning of it is so important. The meaning in this image helps you apreciate the flowers without always wishing to see more later. 

I told you on a previous blog entries that we see the goals we set for ourselves as destinations. We tend to believe that after you achieved these you'll be more happy (  I'm referring to the wish for more flowers  further on the road). I said it was some kind of illusion. Because you miss the point. The point is to know exactly why you want that destination reached. For instance. I went to school to get a job, to earn a living, to earn money. I got it, admirably I must add. 

Am I really more happy then I was while I was studying? No I'm not. I can't tell you the difference. Because I thought it was what was normal to do. Of course I'm not suggesting I should quit my job because I didn't understood the meaning of all this while I was doing it. But this particular mistake is the reason why I don't feel much better now that my career is right on track where I pictured it would. 

And that's really the point about self improvement. All the perks you get out of the things you do don't have a true meaning if it's not improving yourself and if you don't understand how it does then that's not as rewarding as it should. It will feel like buying a giant TV screen. Fun at first, and void after a while.     

Sufferings

I think I need to precise à point about sufferings. I'm not the bouddhist type of man who thinks suffering comes from desires. Well it's very true. I do think that. But the bouddhist solution, to not desire anything, is somehow a nonsense to apply in our lives. I mean, unless you've got a strong willpower and become a monk or an hermite. It's an ideal that is quite impossible to achieve and it becomes absurd to chase it. 

So we're doomed to manage our sufferings. Again, I'm not a fan of letting things go and wait for getting better when I'm down or to wait and live with it long enough to be used to it so it becomes less harmful. These methods, often used by many, are for those who complaint about their bad luck or their fate. Let me use myself as an example. I'm not the type of man who pleases women. I used to suffer from it and to apply theses methods and quite frankly. They work, until next time you suffer. Because they don't force you to change. 

My point is, sufferings are to be embraced and praised. It's your feelings talking to your inner "you". It means you're not who you want to be. For the record, I don't think there's an end of this. You should never be complaisant with yourself. If you are, then you're missing something. Anything that can trigger improvement of self should be taken seriously. It should never be something you let go. It's an opportunity and it's valuable. It turns to suffer into something good instead of something bad if you get to understand and find a meaning out of it. 

The choice between truth and lies

In my previous blog entries, I talked a lot about lies. The ones you tell to others and the ones you tell to yourself. The first is a tool, the second, a treat. I realized that I never talked much about truth and the choice. Again, I think there's two kind of truth. One for others, one for yourself. The last kind of truth mentionned is on the opposite of lies : rewardful. 

Between truths and lies there's always a three-way choice. Either you choose the lie, truth or nothing at all, which means ignoring the choice. Whatever you choose. Most of the time, it'll be in your own interest. Or so you think it will. Consciously or not. There's always a motive for all of our choices. So basically, I'm not making any extraordinary discovery here. I'm only telling you that sometimes our choices are good and sometimes they're not. Therefore, you might think it's no use to talk about it. Just let go and see where its leading you to. I think otherwise. 

First and foremost. Let's clarify something. Nobody's always telling the truth. If they say they are. They are either lying to you or to themselves or maybe both. Even if it would be possible. It'd be extremly stupid to think your interest always comes with the same answer, the same choice. 

Second, it's a battle, a struggle, a fight. Sometimes, in order to land a punch you have to take one yourself. That means that your interest is never always to duck situations with your choices. Your interest might be to tell a truth or a lie or nothing that gives you a disadvantage now, but will be an advantage later. Think of coming clean when you did something awful to gain back someone's confidence instead of going further down in the moving sands of lies. 

Third, mix it up. I said it's like fighting. If you always throw uppercuts. You'll never / rarely land them. You'll be ineffective. You need to keep people offbalance. Why ? Well let's be honest with ourselves and leave the magical world of fearies and wand of wonders for a second. You own a choice and if someone's got you figured it out, it takes it away. You become vulnerable to this person in a bad way regarding your interest and it will place you in situations where you might not want to. Ohh I see you coming by a mile, lovers, you don't agree because that's what your looking for in your relationship. You want the other to know you so well he'll see right through you. Well, Hello dear fearie, here's a wand of wonder. I'm not a fan of letting others in control of my life. The least pull they have. The better. And there's a reason why. What I want is my path to happiness and I will get what I want only by being my own and only master. And no, lovers, it doesn't mean to stay single. It means to always have that choice to tell the truth, lo lie or to ignore. Because what I want is the motive, the interest I'm talking about. 

So I guess, the lesson I taught myself, over the years, was to know exactly why I'm making my choices between truths, lies and nothing. It must always serve a greater purpose of my engineered life. It must have a meaning.

Kurt Vonnegut - Mother Night

Hi readers,

A friend of mine suggested I should write about the books I read. So It'll be something new on this blog. I must warn you though I'm not an erudite expert at analysing novels like my friend at dead end follies. You won't find reviews here. Only thoughts about philosophical ideas and/or images I can take out of the novels I read. So I'll start out with Mother Night. 

The story takes place during and after WWII. Howard J. Campbell is an american making a living as a play writer in Germany. He's hired by the Nazi party to write and broadcast on the radio Nazi propaghanda in english for the world to hear. He's also hired by a US Army corporal to act as a spy, coding war information in his broadcasts. Campbell narrates his life before going to trial for war crimes for which is not guilty since he was helping both sides. 

I think Vonnegut's goal, added to many ironic images and situations, was to give the reader a hard time choosing sides. Where right can be wrong and wrong can be right. I found myself, through Campbell's love for Helga, daughter of a notorious police chief, and his friendship with Kraft, a russian spy and Dr Jones, an extremist nazi american, rooting for the "bad" side. Because Vonnegut turns what is known to be the most inhuman ideas of the 20th century into the most human behaviors and feeling between the characters that share these ideas. Campbell, however, never believed what he was saying. It was a job, in the country he was living in, with the girl he loved. Yet, what he said, about jews, brought him to meet people that truly share nazis idea and they turned out to be the only persons he could trust and share feelings and compassion. 

The point Vonnegut tries to make is moraly good or evil don't necessary make good or evil persons.and are not always driven by good or evil motives. In fact, I often say that good and evil doesn't exist at all and I think Mother Night draws the line of this idea. This fiction novel is supposed to be a moral challenge. I didn't see it this way. Though it's moraly confusing to be attached to the "bad" guys in history, to a point where the reader is dragged into believing in their humanity, it's not enough for me to propose it's a moral challenge. It might be for most readers, but it was't for me. I think it's only an exemple that good and evil are perspectives and not characteristics.     

I won't spoil the end of the books for those who wants to read it. But I need to mention it's surprisingly in contradiction with everything Vonnegut makes us think about Campbell's innocence and I still don't understand why Vonnegut ended his story the way he did.    

Feeling unworthy

For many, feeling or being unworthy is bad, negative, something it's best to not feel. I disagree. Let me explain why. Lately, in my personal life, many events occurred that made me feel unworthy of many things. I'm not here to discuss about these things. It's irreleaveant to make the point I'm trying to expose here. 

There's a strange feeling that comes with feeling unworthy and it's feeling like your a fraud of some kind. That you might be the only one seeing a truth and whatever benefits you've been given is not earned or would not exists if others knew the truth. What's strange about it is that the benefits are usually strong enough to overcome the bad sides of feeling unworthy. So for a second, you feel ashamed to ignore that you're unworthy and you start abusing of the situation by ignoring it. I think it's more frequent than it looks for most of us. Because it becomes an automatism to ignore it. 

For the record, its opposite, feeling that you don't get what you deserve, is a much more evident feeling. Let's use an image. Imagine yourself as a glass of water, normally half full, when unworthy, the glass is closer to be full and when you don't get what you deserve, the glass is closer to be empty. Which glass you're more subjected to complain about? The one that is closer to be empty right?. But that doesn't mean that the glass closer to be full is better. It simply means it ain't right. And feeling unworthy is as not right as feeling that you don't get what you deserve. 

What do psycho pop tells us about what to do when you feel you don't get what you deserve? To take the necessary means to get what you think you deserve. To not sit there waiting for it. To take it. Well, if you're following where I'm going. I think that feeling unworthy is exactly the same, except it's harder to take action. 

Feeling unworthy, should be a powerful tool for anyone. Instead of ignoring it to get rid of the feeling, I suggest to identify it and use it to improve yourself. If you can control the level of water in your own glass, then you'll less of a fraud, more authentic, more you, a better you. 

So how can you use it? Well first and foremost, to see the truth. To not lie to yourself. When you feel unworthy, it's like your subconscious is talking to you. So like feeling that you don't get what you deserve, you have to take action. You have to level yourself to be worthy of what benefits you already have. I know it's hard. I think it's a state of mind very few can achieve. It's being aware and in control of yourself. To not be lazy about it. 

If you've followed my glass of water analogy you probably understand that I was not talking about removing water out of it when it's closer to be full. That I was suggesting to grow the glass bigger so the water level gets to be half full again. That's why feeling unworthy isn't a bad thing. It's a great thing. It's a call to grow and if you listen to it and you take action. You'll grow.

Identity

I'll warn you.You might hate this post. You'll probably reject my ideas. Why? Because it'll attack the very core of who you think you are. I don't think I'll convince you of anything. My best hope so far is to awaken your curiosity. 

What is an Identity. Is it a name? A job? Things liked? Music listened? Hobbies? Moral values? Opinions?  If you would have to define yourself, what would you say about you? How can you explain all the choices you made throughout your life? And what does it tell about your identity? If you'd do that, it'll only be a snapshot in time.

I wrote a post about changing according to yourself to become the "someone" you really are by trying to find out what you may have lied to yourself to be complaisant. But it lead me to more questions about my true identity.

My technique was simple at first. It was to create more and more situations where I got to make a decision about who I wanted to be. I thought that if it's something I'd choose, then It'd be me. Instead of letting things go and become me. However, I think I found out that this is nonsense. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still think it's a pretty good way to work things out but it fails at revealing who I am. Because I am not. "I" is such a deceptive word. 

Most of you probably know this famous Descartes quote : "I think, therefore I am". You probably learned this in a philosophy class. If I remember correctly, I couldn't think of anyway to disagree with Descartes until recently. To me, "to be" isn't the result of the "I" making the action of thinking. Descartes was searching for a certitude of his own existence. He couldn't be certain of anything he was seeing, touching, hearing, eating ... you get it. But the only thing that he could be sure of are his thoughts. 

This explanation doesn't get further than that. It was satisfying enough to prove someone exists, but it fails at finding what this "thing" that exists is. This "I am" that does the action of thinking.  It is our own identity and if I have the power to forge it, to change it with influences or choices I'm making throughout my life, then thinking cannot be the action the "I" does to be. Thinking over seed the "I". 

I'm really sorry to point it out but our language is deficient in providing me a way to write this sentence without using the "I" word. But "I" is the ideas I create to be an "I". In other words, "I think, therefore I am" is incomplete to me. It should be "I am thoughts, therefore "I" exist". I don't want to make it look sloppy but unfortunately it is. That's because our concept of "I" is in contradiction with what I'm saying. 

For now on, I can't be anything else but thoughts. I'm not a name? A job? Things I like? Music I listen? My hobbies? My moral values? My opinions? I'm only the idea I have to be all these characteristics and my ideas have the power to change them all. 

Conclusion, only my thoughts exist and "I" is the representation of them.

I'm too sexy

Dear readers,

I'd like to show you a "not so stupid" stupid thing I did. I went to this karaoke bar I usually go to hang out with some friends. I never sang. That was until last week-end. Listen to the video. It's a good laugh as I probably was the least sexy man in the place. You can hear people cheering for the big man and not for the performance. It's pretty cool. I wasn't taking myself seriously.

Don't worry I'm not showing this to you only for the fun of it. I intend to explain how I felt before and after. If you remember a previous post called "Fears" ( if you don't I invite you to read it ), you probably figure where I'm going with this post.

Before 

I was playing pool with a friend and I was playing bad. I mean, we played like 6-7 games and I lost them all without being close to win one. For the record, my friend wasn't playing like he was a world champion. I was simply disgusted with the way I played. 

After being humiliated at the pool table I wanted to do something completely unexpected. I went to give to the DJ a piece of paper on which I wrote my name and the song : I'm too sexy. After all, my humiliation wasn't that bad. Let's get it worst I thought. As the waiting for my turn got longer and longer I began to feel nervous, anxious, even impatient. I'd say it's pretty normal to feel like that. 

But I took a moment and I stopped to ask myself why I'm feeling this way. So I started to ask myself questions. What are the consequences? What worst can happen? What do I fear? Every answer I came up with can be found on this blog. It was absurd to apprehend the moment I'd be in front of a crown making goofy moves. There was no consequences to justify feeling nervous about it. So it made me more calm and more focused on what I was about to do. I think the result speaks for itself.

After

Right after, I felt a rush of ...  a rush of ... I can't find words to describe it. It was something. People having fun, laughing, shaking my hand in admiration for the balls it took me to amuse the crowd at the expense of my dignity. At this exact moment I knew I was right about most fears being absurds. That I wasn't all talks no walks. I was proud of myself.

Later on, we returned to the pool table. This time, I wasn't the bad player I was early on. I was awesome. I played like I never did before. I was like a world champion. I won 5 in a row in a decisive manner.  It's all about how I felt.

Conclusion

I think this experience is some kind of a rebirth. I can use it to face every situation where fears are absurds to become more fearless and I hope it gives my blog credibility.

Unresolved issues

Conflicts between individuals often go under the radar. I'm not talking about the conflicts that lead to a fight. I'm talking about the things you get over because you think that's what you should do. Nevertheless, they're problems. You may put them in a closet for many reasons, most often it's because you don't want to hurt the other person or a third person you care for. It's like politic. I think it's inevitable. That's part of the "everyone is an hypocrite at some degree". 

We're all acting at some point. Now that the Christmas/new year holidays are over, I want you to think about all the simple things you did to show "genuine" feelings to almost everyone you met. From old high school friends to all the uncles, cousins and such. I'm not saying that you have conflicts with them. You probably don't. I'm simply pointing to you that we fake most of our feelings for many reasons. 

When the kind of conflicts I'm talking about occur, We use this same fake image we all used during the new year holidays. It's a social mechanism. First of all, you need to learn to manage theses opposites feelings. Why? because if you don't then you're stacking them. And if you do, then someday you'll eventually explode and it could turn out to be ugly. I know, it happened to me. 

The truth is, you'll never get along with everyone at 100%. They'll do things you disagree with and they'll root for others you may dislike. If your the kind of person who stand up for your opinions and beliefs, then be prepare for fights. Unless, like I said, you learn to manage these feelings. It's important to stay true to yourself. So it's more important to not put others to the same level of expectations you put yourself to. That way, you're not putting yourself between conflicts and persons. Instead you let others have their own level of expectations about themselves. Then, if you need to fake a feeling, it won't become a burden. It will be managed.