Fears

In the past weeks, I had thought a lot about fears. About how we manage them, about what is their purpose. How it is related to our inner animal. My thinking got me to an interesting way to look at fears. I'm pretty sure I didn't discover anything revolutionary but I think it's worth a post for me, and a read for you. 

First and foremost, what is fear? Well, it's a more difficult to answer question then it looks. You could enumerate an endless list of fears. You could tell it's a feeling when you feel threaten and you anticipate something awful. The actual definition is : "A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger". Quite frankly, I really don't like these definitions. Why? Because it implies that absolute danger create absolute fear and it also implies that what from any danger possible, there's any fear possible.  I think it's not true. For the record, some fear-related illnesses exist because people see dangers where there might not be. And I think it's almost the same whatever we decided it's an illness or not.

Thinking of fears, of my own fears, I came to a different conclusion. Fears are illusions. Nothing else. You probably know the famous Roosevelt's quote : "Only thing we have to fear is fear itself". Well I think it holds more wisdom than it looks. In our lives, we most of the time feel fear by anticipating consequences. For example, in particular situations at work our behaviors might be influenced by fear of facing consequences like being fired. So you might use more diplomacy with co-workers/bosses. When meeting a girl you might somehow be afraid to be rejected so your behavior might show less confidence. 

There's endless situations where the fear of consequences have influence on our behaviors and it all comes down to the same fear. Fear of loosing. From loosing your life to loosing a competition, fear exists because you're afraid that you might not win. That's why fear is an illusion. Because it's not real. When you feel fear, you haven't lost yet. It's only because you anticipate the consequences you want to avoid that you feel it. 

If you think "animal". Fear is more of a reflex. A mean of defense to survive. When a cat is frighten by a dog. It run away for the same reasons you won't tell your boss what you might think of him : the consequences. Fears are created and not real. Well fear of death might be the one fear you can't avoid because it's a core-animal mean of defense to survival. But it's still an illusion because it hasn't happened yet. 

OK I know what you might think. I'm really not telling you to go tell your boss you don't like him because you shouldn't fear the consequences because they're illusions. I think you should find some kind of balance. Understanding and identifying fears makes them less harmful. It helps you see what are the consequences the fears originate from and it gives you a chance to evaluate which consequences are worth taking a chance and which are not. 

Down the road, it's all about what you can win. Telling your boss he's a jerk gives you little. However asking an attractive girl out is worth taking a chance. Oh that's true, You might have to face the consequences of loosing, but until it happens, it's nothing else but illusion. So that's why fears are absurd. When evaluating consequences, you should be able most of the time to tell you this : I'll face the consequences when they will happen. 

So I guess, as a conclusion, the only danger you should be afraid of is death. Anything else are not dangers. They are consequences and you got to be the one who decide which consequences are worth taking the risk. Fears are illusions and you should see them as tools instead of walls.         

About changing

In many post you can find on this blog, one of the redundant secondary subjects is about changing. I know it could be easy to talk about evolution but I still prefer to use the word "change". In other posts I pointed things that might trigger changes. But it's not really how it came to me. Changes came from situations I analysed. 

Normally with this blog, I'm exposing the problems and I'm talking about the solutions I came up with. But you need to understand that theses thoughts are complex. Probably more than it looks like because I'm not good enough to communicate all the things I thought of during the process. But that's not really the point. The point is : change must come from a situation you analysed yourself. Not a single thing I'm saying in this blog can be read and taken as it is. To the very best, I hope it'll open you eyes on something you never thought of before. 

Change is inevitable. You'll do it throughout your life. Over the years, I found out that to be complaisant , obliging with yourself is to knowingly accept to change according to others around you. It might be good enough for many persons, but I don't find it as optimized and rewarding as changing according to yourself. Also, I surprisingly noticed that I'm influencing much more my entourage then they influence me. I came up thinking it's better this way as I'm feeling I'm more in control of my own life. 

Here's what I do. When It's time to go to bed, I take the time to think about my day. About my behaviors. I'm trying as much as I can to be cold and distant with myself. Like I'm talking to a second me. To become an observant. It often reveals things I need to change. Let's make an easy example. I was talking with a friend and about a particular topic and I gave him an answer that was more like I'm finding a motive, whatever it is, then telling to myself what is the real motive. That's what I call lying to myself. 

For the record, we don't do this on purpose. We just do it while things happen. Because events go too fast for us to think and act at the same time. Too often, you say the first thing that make sense but it's rarely the truth. It's like correcting your mistakes after writing a text. Seeing and telling yourself the truth about why you do what you do is the first step you need to take to be the engineer behind what you want to be over what you might become if you let others do this for you. 

In this case, like anything, it needs repetition to get better, you'll find more situations when you lied to yourself and you'll make the adjustments until you completely change on something you wanted to change. 

To talk a little bit about myself. It might looks like I'm an expert but I'm not. There's still a lot of things I want and need to change and probably more things I don't know yet. But for now, I can tell you this. I'm getting that feeling, like I'm working to unleash the real me and it feels really good. I can't imagine where it will lead me but I know it's for the best. I'm living it.         

Toxic friends

Today I'm having a little thought about friends of the past. The title says "toxic" because that's what they were to me back then. But now I'm over it. And they probably are too so I won't bother you with any stories about them. 

To think of them made me think about the whole process I've been through to notice it was no more good for me to be their friend. It didn't came clear waking up in the morning on a given day. It was more of a long road without exits and without gas stations. As far as you go further on it, you're not quite sure where it leads. The only clues you get is that it's getting worst. There's more bumps, more holes in it. You slow down a little and you continue driving on it, remembering how smooth it was a few hundred kilometers back and wishing the road to get better. 

Until, you realize that is a dead end. Oh you probably never saw the sign and you probably won't see it without going further many hundred kilometers. But the truth is, you feel it's a dead end and you feel it's ruining your car. There's a problem though. It's dark and cold outside. Also, you're not quite sure what's lurking in the dark. So you might be tempted to stay in the car and continue to drive, wishing you got it all wrong and the car won't break. But it will only delay the inevitable. You'll need to get out of the car, and find your own way home. You'll need to face the darkness, the cold and maybe some monsters you were protected from while in the car. 

So that's why I say they were toxic. Because whatever my decision was, staying in the car or to face the darkness alone, the immediate consequences were not fun at all. But to respect myself, I needed to get out of the car. 

Because the morning you wake up feeling proud of yourself, you are over it. It won't necessary means you've defeated all the monsters and you're out of the dark. It would simply means there's no hard feelings anymore. Because that's what it's all about. To make the next step in your life. Things change and sometimes you need to understand that friends can become toxic to you. It's not because they're bad persons. But because you don't get along with them anymore. 

In the heat of the fights, just before getting out the car, you argue about things that don't really matter. No one is right nor wrong. It's just not a good fit anymore. We used to see each others around Christmas and  the new year holidays and I'm pretty sure they'll talk about how crazy they think I am for getting out of the car. Quite frankly if they do, I don't really care. Because they're not toxic anymore to me. They're part of a past "me", that can't fit with my present "me". 

So my advice is, if you find yourself on that bumpy dead-end road. Don't be too afraid of the dark. Get all the courage you have and get out of the car. Someday, you might wake up like me, and see under the decorated tree, the best gift you could ever imagine to give to yourself for Christmas.