The lies within

Have you ever read short stories or short sentences with a sloppy morale like be yourself or live in the present. I mean, in fact, these may look like good advices or like it's the right thing to do. But more often, they're not applicable or you can't really tell for sure if you do or if you don't. That's why I say they're sloppy. They exists to make you feel better about yourself so you can believe you're living in the present while still having fights over old events with your ex-husband/wife. Or thinking you're honest and the next thing you do is to call in sick over a lie.

The truth is, and it's sad to say so, people tend to believe they're better person than they actually are. Don't get me wrong, I'm no psychologist, but it may looks like it's a defensive mean and it's a good thing. As a philosopher, I think it's like the fog before your eyes. It prevents you to see clear. You can't help it, but what you do is to lie to yourself and you believe that very lie so you think it's the truth. Don't you think it's pathetic? If you don't, I do. Let me explain you why.

What does growing means? Does it means to get older? I think not. Does it mean to get futher in life like becoming a father? I think not. Growing is about getting better, becoming wiser, being able to use more and more tools out of the lessons life taught you. Do you see what I'm trying to tell you? How can you get better if you lie to yourself about how good you are? How can you grow? No offense meant, but it's a bit stupid don't you think?

Having said that, I do think you're better off telling yourself the truth, even if it hurts, than lying to yourself to manage your feelings about you, about the way you see yourself as a human being. I'm not telling you to never lie. I think it's impossible to never do. But you should never do it to you. You owe this to yourself so you can grow.

The need to thrust the law

As inviduals, we have basic needs. They all share the same goal which is survival. We responded to them by creating tribes, communities or more generaly societies. So It was easier to build shelters to get protection from differents wheathers or enemies, easier to hunt for food. etc. Keep in mind that we did that to survive as individuals. The main objective was always centered towards oneself and never towards a group. So we invented thrust, that's what keeps the group united, like it's a glue. Without it. Nothing like that would be sucessful.

For centuries, the humankind tried to put that thrust in a box. It was necessary because everyone was vulnerable to others. To thrust someone is to be vulnerable of something but not feeling threaten by it. Being vulnerable without thrust is exhausting because you need to always keep your guard up. In other words, thrust was created so you can lower your guard. Putting thrust in a box was necessary to make sure no one would take advantage of your vulnerabilities. It was created to preserve thrust.

Well the box is an image. It represents the laws. We created them to make sure thrust is most often respected and so we can all lower our guards and feel safe. The funny thing is, today we think laws are created to preserve freedom. It can't be. the concept of freedom is bound to the individual who's alone to survive and with it, comes the threats, chaos. It's either, laws ( less freedom ) and safety or no laws ( more freedom ) and more threats. In the process, the more laws we created, the more far from the free animal in a dangerous chaotic world we get.

What is ironic, there's still a risk ahead. It's loosing touch with the reasons we created this mecanism in the first place. If we get this way, then laws are not only used to preserve the thrust we need to share as society to survive, but also to be in the service of something else or someone else. I do think we made that mistake at some point in the evolution of our societies. It may explain why we're living in a world of conflicts. Sometimes we feel laws are unfair, or we know it ain't right. So one may became an outlaw. Not because he's evil or not well educated. But because he feels threaten by the same thing that should make him feel safe.

This is why I'm telling you about the mistake we made.The only explanation I see is that laws aren't always to preserve that thrust. If it really was, then no one would ever want to break it. Because it would be a basic prime need to anyone like you'll never question the need to eat.

Void like me

Lately, I spent a few eves feeling some kind of void inside me. I don't think it's despair nor depression. I don't feel it that way. Simply, I'm looking for some meaning in the things I do. Let me give you an example. I haven't play video games for 6 or 7 months now. In the past, I used to enjoy it. Since then, playing a game became meaningless. I know it's only entertainment, but I felt it gives me nothing else than wasting my time ( and my money ).

What's the point in spending many hours hitting buttons on a remote controler to watch characters shooting at targets to get further in the game? It's kind of useless. At that time, It wasn't as clear as today in my mind but what I felt about playing video games was the very same void I'm feeling right now. So I guess, I replaced video gaming by something else in order to fill that void. More recently I spent many hours watching tv series such as Dexter, Californication and The wire. What I'm trying to figure out is what are the things I could do that won't end up as meaningless to me, like tv series and video games?

Let me tell you, feeling that void is not really a good mood to be. For the record, getting drunk feels the same as playing video games or watching tv series. Sometimes, I think I'm looking for ice in the desert. If I'm considering myself as an animal, then the meaning of life, of my life should be raising kids, and working on having a secure environment for them, house, clothes, food whatever. It would be a start in explaining why I'm feeling the way I feel about meaningless things.

Because right now, I guess I'm not living like I'm supposed to be. I have no kids, no plans to have one in a near future. As a matter of fact, I'm single. I'm as far as I can be from having a kid. On top of that, I don't feel ready. So having no one else to take care except for myself, combined with the way life is these days, having a roof and a meal isn't what I may call challenging or something I could be proud of. I'm definitly ready for a change.

My body and me

When I think of me, as a representation of the person I am, I think about thoughts, personnality, behaviors and body. what's interesting about this list is the relation of control I have over them. I'm pretty sure I control my thoughts, personality and behaviors. You may call this freewill. But what about my body? The relation is completly different. I feel the body, I'm not really deciding anything. I can't control my blood pressure, my heartbeat, nor any glands. I can't say, let's produce adrenalin, it'll be fun. Well I can, in a certain way. If I create an external stimulis to make it happen. But I can't decide this on my own, sitting in my living room.

And it bugs me a lot. Is the body, something appart from me? Like it's two different things. Who's taking decisions? Where's the command center? Who's running it. I can't figure how it does everything by itself like some kind of mechanical construction. Why do I feel I have no direct control over what should be me. Like I own it, instead of be it. When I stop and think about it, I feel like I'm small, inside, and trapt. I can't move. I'm moving my body but that's all. Don't you feel you're always somewhere behind the eyes and between the ears. Why can't I feel I'm in my foot?

I saw some videos of monks taking their minds over their bodies and achieving impressives things. So my guess is there's a key somewhere to the command center. A way I can be my body's own captain. Where I can be my body instead of having a body. It's the only clue I have to get the "animal" hypothesis I talked in this blog previous entries to a superior level. A level where I could tell, yes, humans are appart from animals. But until then, as long as my body works by itself, reacting to stimulis, over which I have no control, I'm still an animal or should I say, I'm inside an animal.

Fitting in

As a grown up, approaching 30, I often look back in my past, trying to find clues about questions I ask myself. As I was analysing my younger years, back to the elementary school times, I discovered something I think is very important regarding my development as an adult. That's about learning to fit in.

Elementary school is probably the most chaotic environment you may experience during your life. It's full of cruel kids that haven't yet to understand what you can or cannot tell or do to someone. For exemple, as a kid, one may laugh and say terrible things to another kid about his differences. As an adult, you'll be more cautious to not hurt someone this way. I don't think it has anything to do with the higher possibilities that his differences made you laugh when you're young and doesn't when you're old. It's only because you learned this behavior is inappropriate. So as a kid, trying to fit in is a major priority for your social life. You don't want others kids to make fun of you. Your actions are more influenced by this preoccupation than you may think. You want and need to fit in.

The truth is, or should I say the problem is, you may try as hard as you want to fit in a group, you'll always be the odd man's out. Like in a jigsaw puzzle. If you find a piece that may matches the form and seems to fit. If the colors and/or the drawing doesn't fit, you know it's not the place for this particular piece. So what's the right way to do it? It's not to try to fit it in, it's to find where it fits better. Unfortunatly, life's not exactly as a puzzle. Your shape changes so does your colors. Confusing as it may be, you can't really tell whenever you're trying to fit in or you're searching for where you fit better and I didn't even mention all the misunderstandings and problems it may trigger when you were in a place you fit in and you change into someone who doesn't fit in anymore.

If we take a look at the big picture, we might see some kind of hapiness receipe. You simply want every piece of the life's puzzle to fit in perfectly. It appears to me like some kind of lesson. It's useless to try to change or changing someone else so you can feel better if you recognize a situation you don't fit in. You'd be better searching elsewhere where you fit.