The lies within

Have you ever read short stories or short sentences with a sloppy morale like be yourself or live in the present. I mean, in fact, these may look like good advices or like it's the right thing to do. But more often, they're not applicable or you can't really tell for sure if you do or if you don't. That's why I say they're sloppy. They exists to make you feel better about yourself so you can believe you're living in the present while still having fights over old events with your ex-husband/wife. Or thinking you're honest and the next thing you do is to call in sick over a lie.

The truth is, and it's sad to say so, people tend to believe they're better person than they actually are. Don't get me wrong, I'm no psychologist, but it may looks like it's a defensive mean and it's a good thing. As a philosopher, I think it's like the fog before your eyes. It prevents you to see clear. You can't help it, but what you do is to lie to yourself and you believe that very lie so you think it's the truth. Don't you think it's pathetic? If you don't, I do. Let me explain you why.

What does growing means? Does it means to get older? I think not. Does it mean to get futher in life like becoming a father? I think not. Growing is about getting better, becoming wiser, being able to use more and more tools out of the lessons life taught you. Do you see what I'm trying to tell you? How can you get better if you lie to yourself about how good you are? How can you grow? No offense meant, but it's a bit stupid don't you think?

Having said that, I do think you're better off telling yourself the truth, even if it hurts, than lying to yourself to manage your feelings about you, about the way you see yourself as a human being. I'm not telling you to never lie. I think it's impossible to never do. But you should never do it to you. You owe this to yourself so you can grow.

The need to thrust the law

As inviduals, we have basic needs. They all share the same goal which is survival. We responded to them by creating tribes, communities or more generaly societies. So It was easier to build shelters to get protection from differents wheathers or enemies, easier to hunt for food. etc. Keep in mind that we did that to survive as individuals. The main objective was always centered towards oneself and never towards a group. So we invented thrust, that's what keeps the group united, like it's a glue. Without it. Nothing like that would be sucessful.

For centuries, the humankind tried to put that thrust in a box. It was necessary because everyone was vulnerable to others. To thrust someone is to be vulnerable of something but not feeling threaten by it. Being vulnerable without thrust is exhausting because you need to always keep your guard up. In other words, thrust was created so you can lower your guard. Putting thrust in a box was necessary to make sure no one would take advantage of your vulnerabilities. It was created to preserve thrust.

Well the box is an image. It represents the laws. We created them to make sure thrust is most often respected and so we can all lower our guards and feel safe. The funny thing is, today we think laws are created to preserve freedom. It can't be. the concept of freedom is bound to the individual who's alone to survive and with it, comes the threats, chaos. It's either, laws ( less freedom ) and safety or no laws ( more freedom ) and more threats. In the process, the more laws we created, the more far from the free animal in a dangerous chaotic world we get.

What is ironic, there's still a risk ahead. It's loosing touch with the reasons we created this mecanism in the first place. If we get this way, then laws are not only used to preserve the thrust we need to share as society to survive, but also to be in the service of something else or someone else. I do think we made that mistake at some point in the evolution of our societies. It may explain why we're living in a world of conflicts. Sometimes we feel laws are unfair, or we know it ain't right. So one may became an outlaw. Not because he's evil or not well educated. But because he feels threaten by the same thing that should make him feel safe.

This is why I'm telling you about the mistake we made.The only explanation I see is that laws aren't always to preserve that thrust. If it really was, then no one would ever want to break it. Because it would be a basic prime need to anyone like you'll never question the need to eat.

Void like me

Lately, I spent a few eves feeling some kind of void inside me. I don't think it's despair nor depression. I don't feel it that way. Simply, I'm looking for some meaning in the things I do. Let me give you an example. I haven't play video games for 6 or 7 months now. In the past, I used to enjoy it. Since then, playing a game became meaningless. I know it's only entertainment, but I felt it gives me nothing else than wasting my time ( and my money ).

What's the point in spending many hours hitting buttons on a remote controler to watch characters shooting at targets to get further in the game? It's kind of useless. At that time, It wasn't as clear as today in my mind but what I felt about playing video games was the very same void I'm feeling right now. So I guess, I replaced video gaming by something else in order to fill that void. More recently I spent many hours watching tv series such as Dexter, Californication and The wire. What I'm trying to figure out is what are the things I could do that won't end up as meaningless to me, like tv series and video games?

Let me tell you, feeling that void is not really a good mood to be. For the record, getting drunk feels the same as playing video games or watching tv series. Sometimes, I think I'm looking for ice in the desert. If I'm considering myself as an animal, then the meaning of life, of my life should be raising kids, and working on having a secure environment for them, house, clothes, food whatever. It would be a start in explaining why I'm feeling the way I feel about meaningless things.

Because right now, I guess I'm not living like I'm supposed to be. I have no kids, no plans to have one in a near future. As a matter of fact, I'm single. I'm as far as I can be from having a kid. On top of that, I don't feel ready. So having no one else to take care except for myself, combined with the way life is these days, having a roof and a meal isn't what I may call challenging or something I could be proud of. I'm definitly ready for a change.

My body and me

When I think of me, as a representation of the person I am, I think about thoughts, personnality, behaviors and body. what's interesting about this list is the relation of control I have over them. I'm pretty sure I control my thoughts, personality and behaviors. You may call this freewill. But what about my body? The relation is completly different. I feel the body, I'm not really deciding anything. I can't control my blood pressure, my heartbeat, nor any glands. I can't say, let's produce adrenalin, it'll be fun. Well I can, in a certain way. If I create an external stimulis to make it happen. But I can't decide this on my own, sitting in my living room.

And it bugs me a lot. Is the body, something appart from me? Like it's two different things. Who's taking decisions? Where's the command center? Who's running it. I can't figure how it does everything by itself like some kind of mechanical construction. Why do I feel I have no direct control over what should be me. Like I own it, instead of be it. When I stop and think about it, I feel like I'm small, inside, and trapt. I can't move. I'm moving my body but that's all. Don't you feel you're always somewhere behind the eyes and between the ears. Why can't I feel I'm in my foot?

I saw some videos of monks taking their minds over their bodies and achieving impressives things. So my guess is there's a key somewhere to the command center. A way I can be my body's own captain. Where I can be my body instead of having a body. It's the only clue I have to get the "animal" hypothesis I talked in this blog previous entries to a superior level. A level where I could tell, yes, humans are appart from animals. But until then, as long as my body works by itself, reacting to stimulis, over which I have no control, I'm still an animal or should I say, I'm inside an animal.

Fitting in

As a grown up, approaching 30, I often look back in my past, trying to find clues about questions I ask myself. As I was analysing my younger years, back to the elementary school times, I discovered something I think is very important regarding my development as an adult. That's about learning to fit in.

Elementary school is probably the most chaotic environment you may experience during your life. It's full of cruel kids that haven't yet to understand what you can or cannot tell or do to someone. For exemple, as a kid, one may laugh and say terrible things to another kid about his differences. As an adult, you'll be more cautious to not hurt someone this way. I don't think it has anything to do with the higher possibilities that his differences made you laugh when you're young and doesn't when you're old. It's only because you learned this behavior is inappropriate. So as a kid, trying to fit in is a major priority for your social life. You don't want others kids to make fun of you. Your actions are more influenced by this preoccupation than you may think. You want and need to fit in.

The truth is, or should I say the problem is, you may try as hard as you want to fit in a group, you'll always be the odd man's out. Like in a jigsaw puzzle. If you find a piece that may matches the form and seems to fit. If the colors and/or the drawing doesn't fit, you know it's not the place for this particular piece. So what's the right way to do it? It's not to try to fit it in, it's to find where it fits better. Unfortunatly, life's not exactly as a puzzle. Your shape changes so does your colors. Confusing as it may be, you can't really tell whenever you're trying to fit in or you're searching for where you fit better and I didn't even mention all the misunderstandings and problems it may trigger when you were in a place you fit in and you change into someone who doesn't fit in anymore.

If we take a look at the big picture, we might see some kind of hapiness receipe. You simply want every piece of the life's puzzle to fit in perfectly. It appears to me like some kind of lesson. It's useless to try to change or changing someone else so you can feel better if you recognize a situation you don't fit in. You'd be better searching elsewhere where you fit.

Struggling

Struggling is inevitable in one's life. You just can't avoid it. You may think the difference between individuals is how they react when it appends. Let's try anwsering this by keeping it simple. Struggling is like being in a traffic jam on an highway. You know it's not going to be fun and also you know it's gonna take some times. The only things you really can't tell is how much time will it last and how bad it will be. On the other hand, you know it's not a big deal. You'll eventually get out of the traffic jam and it's going to run smoothly until you get it the next traffic jam. It has always been like that. Like good and bad weather.

So you're in and you see exits on your right. You can't really tell if they'll get you out or not but you may be tempted to give it a try. Of course it might work but you can't tell on which road it will lead you on unless you took it in the past. Let's make an exemple. For instance, if you're in a relationship and things are getting complicated. You may see many exits. One might be to simply getting out of the relationship, or another one might be to fake it. Whatever the exit is, it will always get you on a different path than the one you were on.

So the question is. Why were you on that road in the first place. The honest anwser might be someting like you had a goal, a destination. Well you may say there are many roads that lead to this destination so if there's a traffic jam here let's try an exit and see if I can make it. Do you get what I'm trying to tell you? I'm talking about knowing what you want.

There's a problem thought. If by taking an other road you feel what you wanted has changed. The destination is not the same anymore so you haven't taken an exit to get back on the road there was a traffic jam on. You took a complete different path. What if you repeat this over and over and over again. You may never reach any destination at all and someday you will run out of gas. So what's left? The meaning. That's why we're all on this trip. Because we all believe there's a destination, whatever this destination is, that means something. For many it's raising children, for others it's to get married or getting your diploma, success in your career. So you'll continue, as long as you can. Taking exits, changing destination, reaching some or many of them until like I said, you run out of gas which means the only real destination is death.

What is the real meaning of this? Is it to realize it was a hell of a trip? Or it is simply enjoying driving. I do think this is only what really matters and it has nothing to do with how many destinations you reached. Thinking like that may get you out of your struggles better than any exit you may try.

Instincts

Yesterday, I had the most interesting conversation with the girl I used to have feelings for in a long time. She probably knows me better than my friends do. Well, she knows what I always wanted her to know, so I thought that she may not be aware of all the twists in my mind. You know how it is, you never want to be the nutcase weirdo that gives the creeps to others. Especially if you're falling for that particular other. But the fact is, if you get close to someone, eventually they'll figure that you're a weirdo anyway. I mean, if you're one like me. And she did well to figure it out.

So back to the conversation I had with her. Well, the subject of it doesn't really matters. What lead me to write about it was a simple sentence she said about how differently we approach and solve events in our respectives life. She said : "You know that's what you do. Spending most time thinking on how to react than reacting.". I'm not saying I'm the only one who does or others never do. But it came clear to me the subject of our discussion was about instincs. If something appends and the instant after you react to it. The way you'll do it, comes directly from your instincts.

So I'm questionning myself. What are my instincts? Where do they comes from? How I learned them? I know some people are more impulsive than others. So they probably rely more on their own instincts. They are the ones who are more fit to get their shit back together and do whatever needs to be done to get over it. They don't need to think about the consequences or about the best way to do it. They just do it and they'll deal with the next event if needed.

During the conversation, my friend also told me she thinks there's no good way to behave. You can either lean back, and think about it, or act right away relying on your instincts. Well that's not her words but that's what she meant. I think I disagree. If you step back and think before you decide what to do, that maybe means you're not confident that it'll do any good to rely on them. If my instinct are "me". Shouldn't I thrust them? Isn't what self-confidence is all about? Thrusting you're instincts? I think I should do it more often.

Introduction

Well, what can I say? Welcome to my blog. I guess this is the kind of speech that is appealing to the situation since this entry is the introduction to the shit I’ll be writing here. I hope you’ll like. Alright, enough with the formalities because it’s not quite what I want to write about. Actually, it’s the complete opposite. The way we learned to behave, in any situation, is not what I’m looking for and that’s really not what’s you’re going to get here. Well, let me stop you right now. I’m not going to tell you what’s good or what’s bad about the way we’re acting, thinking or judging based on what we decided as individuals and society to be. I will tell you what is. Humans are animals. Period. Beyond that, it’s pure invention or should I say, layers added over what’s real, over what we deeply are. With this blog, I’m taking you on a quest to find out who we are. Guess what, I know what you may think right now. Just another unknown asshole throwing shit on the web just trying to get some kind of attention from strangers to feel good about him. Well, it might be, but getting on this quest of finding who we are is the only thing we’ve been doing on this earth since we can remember. That’s what religions are for, that’s what science is for, that’s what culture is for and that’s what anything that is meant to be is for. And you know what? I truly believe we have failed so far so let’s keep trying shall we? That’s what this blog is all about.

So let’s get a start. Who am I? Well I don’t know. You tell me. Since I can’t answer precisely to this question, let’s try the other way around. Who I’m not. I’m pretty sure I’m not what I own. It can’t define me. I’m not my tastes, I’m not my opinions and I’m certainly not my hobbies. Why am I sure about this? Over the years, these has changed so it can’t be me. “Me” must be some kind of constant. If not, then how am I really sure to be different than others?

So what’s left? The choices. Things, tastes, opinions, hobbies, they changed over time because I made choices. These always appeared good at the exact time I made them and often bad afterwards. The 20 years old “me” made choices that the actual “me” would never ever made. I don’t really think it’s about growing or anything like that. Maybe a little, but mainly I think it’s more about influences. I don’t have the same influences that I had at the time so that's maybe why my choices would have been different if I had my actual influences. So where am I now? I’m afraid I'm nowhere near the answer  because these influences get  the choices I made away from a hypothetical “me” constant. So are influences the essence of “me”? Maybe it is. But I’d prefer to think it isn’t because it would mean I’m no one and everyone at the same time. I’m the small town I come from, I’m my friends, I’m my parents and I’m any response I had from any situations I’ve been in.

Doesn’t it make any sense to you that I’m some kind of a result from a complex mathematical expression of my life? Shouldn’t I be more authentic? Well some thinks it is. I don’t. Why is it so? Because at some point, I guess, as a society, we would have figured that out and made it better only because we could. Life isn’t always a party. If it would have anything to do with some equation, even if very complex, I hope we would have made the world some kind of paradise. It’s definitively not. It’s a jungle. It’s some kind of war in which guns are replaced by the animal competition. It takes us back to the things, tastes, opinions and hobbies I talked about. These are just tools I can take out of the toolbox of life to compete with others. To try winning the war we’re all involved in. The funny thing is we don’t really know why we’re in it. So this very question, "why am I in this war?", is bound to the question "who am I?" and that’s because I’m an animal. I guess we’ll need to go down that road of discovering what the animal in me is accounted for the actions I do in my day-to-day war and maybe I’ll find the answer to the question... or not.