About changing

In many post you can find on this blog, one of the redundant secondary subjects is about changing. I know it could be easy to talk about evolution but I still prefer to use the word "change". In other posts I pointed things that might trigger changes. But it's not really how it came to me. Changes came from situations I analysed. 

Normally with this blog, I'm exposing the problems and I'm talking about the solutions I came up with. But you need to understand that theses thoughts are complex. Probably more than it looks like because I'm not good enough to communicate all the things I thought of during the process. But that's not really the point. The point is : change must come from a situation you analysed yourself. Not a single thing I'm saying in this blog can be read and taken as it is. To the very best, I hope it'll open you eyes on something you never thought of before. 

Change is inevitable. You'll do it throughout your life. Over the years, I found out that to be complaisant , obliging with yourself is to knowingly accept to change according to others around you. It might be good enough for many persons, but I don't find it as optimized and rewarding as changing according to yourself. Also, I surprisingly noticed that I'm influencing much more my entourage then they influence me. I came up thinking it's better this way as I'm feeling I'm more in control of my own life. 

Here's what I do. When It's time to go to bed, I take the time to think about my day. About my behaviors. I'm trying as much as I can to be cold and distant with myself. Like I'm talking to a second me. To become an observant. It often reveals things I need to change. Let's make an easy example. I was talking with a friend and about a particular topic and I gave him an answer that was more like I'm finding a motive, whatever it is, then telling to myself what is the real motive. That's what I call lying to myself. 

For the record, we don't do this on purpose. We just do it while things happen. Because events go too fast for us to think and act at the same time. Too often, you say the first thing that make sense but it's rarely the truth. It's like correcting your mistakes after writing a text. Seeing and telling yourself the truth about why you do what you do is the first step you need to take to be the engineer behind what you want to be over what you might become if you let others do this for you. 

In this case, like anything, it needs repetition to get better, you'll find more situations when you lied to yourself and you'll make the adjustments until you completely change on something you wanted to change. 

To talk a little bit about myself. It might looks like I'm an expert but I'm not. There's still a lot of things I want and need to change and probably more things I don't know yet. But for now, I can tell you this. I'm getting that feeling, like I'm working to unleash the real me and it feels really good. I can't imagine where it will lead me but I know it's for the best. I'm living it.         

Toxic friends

Today I'm having a little thought about friends of the past. The title says "toxic" because that's what they were to me back then. But now I'm over it. And they probably are too so I won't bother you with any stories about them. 

To think of them made me think about the whole process I've been through to notice it was no more good for me to be their friend. It didn't came clear waking up in the morning on a given day. It was more of a long road without exits and without gas stations. As far as you go further on it, you're not quite sure where it leads. The only clues you get is that it's getting worst. There's more bumps, more holes in it. You slow down a little and you continue driving on it, remembering how smooth it was a few hundred kilometers back and wishing the road to get better. 

Until, you realize that is a dead end. Oh you probably never saw the sign and you probably won't see it without going further many hundred kilometers. But the truth is, you feel it's a dead end and you feel it's ruining your car. There's a problem though. It's dark and cold outside. Also, you're not quite sure what's lurking in the dark. So you might be tempted to stay in the car and continue to drive, wishing you got it all wrong and the car won't break. But it will only delay the inevitable. You'll need to get out of the car, and find your own way home. You'll need to face the darkness, the cold and maybe some monsters you were protected from while in the car. 

So that's why I say they were toxic. Because whatever my decision was, staying in the car or to face the darkness alone, the immediate consequences were not fun at all. But to respect myself, I needed to get out of the car. 

Because the morning you wake up feeling proud of yourself, you are over it. It won't necessary means you've defeated all the monsters and you're out of the dark. It would simply means there's no hard feelings anymore. Because that's what it's all about. To make the next step in your life. Things change and sometimes you need to understand that friends can become toxic to you. It's not because they're bad persons. But because you don't get along with them anymore. 

In the heat of the fights, just before getting out the car, you argue about things that don't really matter. No one is right nor wrong. It's just not a good fit anymore. We used to see each others around Christmas and  the new year holidays and I'm pretty sure they'll talk about how crazy they think I am for getting out of the car. Quite frankly if they do, I don't really care. Because they're not toxic anymore to me. They're part of a past "me", that can't fit with my present "me". 

So my advice is, if you find yourself on that bumpy dead-end road. Don't be too afraid of the dark. Get all the courage you have and get out of the car. Someday, you might wake up like me, and see under the decorated tree, the best gift you could ever imagine to give to yourself for Christmas.

Understanding self-esteem

Self-esteem is almost in every motivation peptalk. It's always something people are told to build up in order to be successful. Basically, in our common sense, self-esteem is about feeling good about ourselves. Feeling we're able to achieve whatever we want. I'm not questionning this. I think it's pretty true. On the other hand, I've got a better explanation, a better way out. I can't find the exact quote but Churchill once said something like it's impossible until someone who doesn't know it is, do it. If you don't see the link between self-esteem and Churchill's quote, I'll explain you why I think there is one.

Self-esteem is, to me, overrated in the way people see it. To think there's something you can't do has more to do with failures than self-esteem does. In this case, like Churchill said, ignorance is a strenght. However, it's never that simple. I, myself, am someone who always overthink everything. I often ask myself too many questions and come up with to many anwsers that sometimes became walls between me and my goals. I think that's actually where self-esteem comes in to play. Because someone with high self-esteem will more often anwser his own questions with reasons why he can do it, than reasons why he can't. 

I think it's wrong to see self-esteem as one layer. It has many. For instance, I've got a high self-esteem when it comes to my work as a programmer and little with women. So how did that happen? Well, let's go back to my animal theory. It really explains a lot. As an animal, I'm in a competiton. In each layer where you'll find self-esteem, you'll find a competition. 

Self-esteem is built on the way I compare myself to the competition. It is to know where you stand against it. How you see yourself winning or loosing. Applying the Churchill's quote, to ignore it is a strength. To understand this, can be a key to everyone in every aspect of someone's life. 

You'll always be your worst enemy. All you have to focus on is to compete. Nothing else. Loosing or winning should become meaningless as long as you compete and as long as you find rewards in it. Because that's what we are : animals. If you can reconnect with this basic animal behavior, you'll find self-esteem overrated and eventually, you'll win more often.

Looking beyond words vs fear

Normally, I respect a protocol when it comes to write something. I try to verify in some ways, nothing scientific, if what I think makes sense. In order to do that, most often I try to create a situation with people around me without them knowing what I'm really doing. But tonight, I won't respect the protocol. I'll reuse something I already thought of and revamp it with a thing that just happened to me. 

Looking beyond words is something I like to say I've mastered in the last couple of years. I start with the assumption that everyone's lying once in a while. I'm not talking about big lies, but the small ones. The mild and soft ones. The kind of lies that is used to hide something or to manage someone else feeling. 

How do I do that ? Sometimes I'm looking for the choices of words, for the sentence's suggestive sense. Or often from the story told versus what the body is telling. Tonight I made an interesting discovery. I noticed fear is a strong clue about others real thougths. I think in particular situation, by asking the question, what does the person in front me could be afraid of, the answer might be relevant information about the motives of a lie and it might lead you to spot it. 

Let me clarify something before adding anything else. Spoting lies is not meant to put you in situation of confrontation. You should not try to expose others. Its only purpose is to give you information about how to make your next move. How to adapt your behaviors. 

So back to spotting lies. If you've read one of my previous blog entry in which I talked about the level of truth. You understand that the lies exist because we can't always handle the truth. I think it needs a little adjustment. Absolute truth is fearsome. It can turn our whole world upside down. It can create a billion situations in which you're vulnerable. Lying shields you. It protects you and protects others from bad situations. 

That's why fear is a strong tell about spotting lies, about going beyond words. Like I said, I'm writing this in the heat of the moment. I spotted a soft lie, from someone close to me. It indicated me that my behavior is a little off track. That I'm pushing too hard. Good or bad, I'll use this information to be less of a threat to this person's fear so this very person won't need to lie again about this particular event. 

I might write again about this after I verify more deeply the relation between fear and lies. Also, If you want me to explain more in details my techniques to spot lies, leave a comment.

My animal rank

My apologies, I've not written for a while, almost a month since the last post. But there's a good reason to it. I've socially experienced something new. Something to write about. Lately, I've been spending time with this incredible female specimen, in a friendly context. 

Well friendly that's bold to say so. It is by design, by some engineered animal construction. We're simply not of the same animal rank. Or should I say, my rank, in the animal kingdom ladder is way too far from hers. It means we're friend not because I don't feel sexual pulsions about her, but because I don't believe I belong to her rank. So I block these pulsions for the only matter that it 's quite obvious, for a girl of her stature, that she can't feel the same about me. 

I'm not talking about romance, nor love. I'm talking about basic animal instinct. About the forces that drive us into sexual intercourse and unconsciously to the only purpose of our existence : reproduction. So what does this rank I talked about stands for? I think it's the attractive power someone radiates, inviting others to feel sexual pulsions. 

The girl I talked about sure does radiates a lot. Not only because I felt pulsions, but because I noticed a lot of man gravitating around her feeling the same. Actually, I don't think I saw one man around her not feeling it except her father. Even if they're engaged they do feel it. And let me be clear. It's not only a matter of beauty. Yes she's cute, but not outstanding. There's a lot of more beautiful women I know that don't rank as high as her. Let's just say it this way, beauty is more of the potential. It defines the range you stand on the ladder, but not the actual position. The position is more about the whole thing. About the attractive power I told you about.

I think one mistake many do when it comes to chasing for a partner is to create unrealistic expectations. And that might be because you don't know your own rank. I think you have to evaluate your level of confidence. If you're in a situation where your confidence feels low, you might be playing above your head. And because it is low, your chances of success are lower. Think of it this way. If you're playing in your rank, then you'll be more confident. I know what you're thinking. One person might feel less confident for many reasons, not only because he's in a situation where he tries to catch up with someone higher on the ladder. You're right. I told you about the range, or potential of where you stand. It means your rank moves up and down depending on your mood. On a good day, you might be able to charm someone else that feels less attractive. But you'll not be able to satisfy that someone on long term as you'll also have bad days. 

What I'm telling you is a sucessful couple is two person whose ranks range more often the same. Unfortunatly, if you've noticed, there's something tricky. I told you that our only real goal is reproduction. So during your life, you'll have to face situations where what you want, the people you're attracted to, are not of the same rank as you are. There's also the reality that during your life, the range will move up and down. And if you're  in a relationship, these range movements might not be synchronized. So it's important to know your rank so you won't place yourself in tough situation. Not to mention your decisions will be better for yourself.